how do you know it's time for a new dishwasher?
when the old one says you need to "do your share"
a jogger is running along through the park around the lake one morning when he hears someone crying. he slows down and sees an armless, legless woman sitting at a park bench near the lake, bawling her eyes out.
with a saddened heart and kindness in his eyes, he walks over and asks her what the problem is. she sobs a little and says, "i've never been hugged before!" the jogger leans over, hugs her, smiles, and takes off.
the next day on his morning run he again stumbles upon the armless woman at the bench, sobbing yet again.
the jogger slows down and asks her what the matter is this time. she leans over, wiping her snotty nose and upper lip on the arm of the bench, and says, "i've never been kissed before!" the jogger leans over and lays a wet one on the corner of her mouth. he jogs off, waving bye to her radiantly smiling face.
the next morning, he goes jogging -- and sees that the armless, legless woman is crying her eyes out on the bench yet again.
the jogger runs over and asks her "what is it now?" the bleary-eyed woman looks up at him hopefully and says, "i've never been f***ed before..."
the jogger bends over, picks her up, and chucks her into the lake calling after her, "well now you're fu**ed, congratulations!"