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post #5 of (permalink) Old 11-10-2010, 09:09 PM
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 9,047
Great article- you are knowledgeable, enthusiastic, and know how to write without being boring or repetitive.

I was a newspaper copyeditor for about five years, and I have a few suggestions that I think will help make your piece enjoyable, professional, and informative as possible. Admittedly I'm American so a few of these might not be applicable to British English which I have little formal education with. Hope this helps at least a little

Humoring the crowd by responding to Rogan with;
don't need the semicolon
The electric 02 arena
should be capitalized since its a proper name, happens a couple of times in the article
should not be capitalized
although in many cases this would not be capitalized, as a trademark of Zuffa and thus a proper noun, it should be here
embracing his nick name; The Outlaw.
colon makes more sense than a semicolon
a young, 22 year old street
don't need the comma, and the word young is kind of extraneous since you gave his age and folks can tell he's young by that, you can drop both without losing any meaning
indulging into the pre-fight
the word "into" can go entirely since you can indulge something directly
being the first Englishman
"being" can be just "be"
Joe Silva and co couldn’t
co needs to be "co." due to the nature of the abbreviation. might better just to use the full "company"
Carlos immediately established control at the centre of the octagon and engaged with a body kick, Hardy fired back with a series of leg kicks and claimed octagon control.
this is really two separate sentences, separate the two with a semicolon or period rather than a comma.
of course wearing his trademark thuggish bandana and playing to the crowd
a little clunky- might be switched to "wearing his trademark thuggish bandanna and playing to the crowd as usual" (also bandanna is usually spelled with two n)
really rallying behind
really is really kind of a crappy word that is commonly overused. i suggest you replace with something like "rallying" forcefully, furiously, fiercely, energetically, something like that
improved, evolved
substitute an "and" for the comma
the octagon, one man fell.
semicolon rather than comma, for dramatic effect
shark filled tank
could easily be reduced to the more wieldy "shark tank" which means the same thing
out matched and simply out classed
outmatched and outclassed are both single words
arm bar attempts, which would of left many men
"arm bar attempts that would have left many men" is more accurate and less clunky
first round by Condit, which left many fans
"leaving many fans" sounds a little better maybe?
renown for his granite chin
"renowned" is the proper conjugation
Viscous knock outs
"vicious", although viscous knock outs is a funny mental image
tested a fighters true heart, some seem to diminish and fade away
comma becomes a period, start Some as a new sentence.
knocked his lights out, Andre since, has been half the man he used to be.
works better as "knocked his lights out, Andrei has been been half the man he used to be." that line might need even more work though
Other fighters seem to make transformations and return stronger and more motivated than ever, take current Welterweight superstar GSP for example, although not knocked out cold, he was tagged hard by the heavy handed underdog Matt Serra and was forced to tap out due to strikes, losing via TKO.
after "ever", put a colon or a period with a new sentence start to keep this from being a run-on sentence.

Everybody good, plenty of slaves for my robot colony?
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