Is it wrong for me to love this sport because I love violence?
I'll make this brief and I really want to get people's opinions about me.
The first taste of true violence in my life was when my friends were in my house (back when I was like 12 or 13 years old) and one of them pissed me off... I grabbed some kind of farm tool that looked like a demon's claw but it's METAL. They saw me with it and laughed, and the dude jokingly grabbed a metallic pole and assumed a fighting stance, giggling... But then I started swinging with the real intent of killing him. The moment they realized I was serious, ALL OF THEM STARTED RUNNING THEIR ASSES OFF. I was chasing them like crazy.
When they got out of the house, I hit the bicycle of one of the guys (who happens to be the toughest young mofo on the block, kind of like a miniature Kimbo.).
After that, I got into 15 or 16 different fights throughout the rest of my childhood. Sometimes I won, other times I lose. But I cherished every single moment of it like how a parent cherishes the moment his/her kid walks the first time, rides the bike the first time, or graduates college...
I was forced to stop fighting during an incident in my freshman high school when I brought a knife in school and literally threatened to kill a bully. I was stupid enough to expose the knife from a distance, leaving lots of opportunities for people to let the guy escape and have me reported to the school officials...
And after that, I repressed myself from any violence whatsoever...
But I miss the chaos. Now that I have a job and can afford to be independent, I have relished my freedom to lift weights and get stronger. And now that I actually joined a Muay Thai and BJJ gym, I can now "feel justified" to beat the living piss out of people.
It's not even about winning for me. And as far as "proving something" is concerned, that is absolutely absurd because I mainly base my ego with how much I can lift in the gym, NOT whom I can beat up.
Is it healthy for me to start my MMA career with this kind of bloodthirst? It gets the blood in my veins boil with excitement and passion.
I cannot wait to start cracking people's skulls with my elbows, and breaking their ribs with my roundhouses.
Is this healthy or do you think I should just quit?
Telling a weightlifter that deep squats are bad for the knees is like telling a kickboxer that footwork is a bad strategy...