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post #1212 of (permalink) Old 05-04-2012, 01:08 AM Thread Starter
illmatic's Avatar
Join Date: Sep 2007
Posts: 1,451
Alright, so it's 3 weeks in and I feel pretty obligated to do a write up. Since I've already been to Brazil and logged it (around posts #600,700ish), I'm not really coming into it with the same sense of wonder as last time. For example yesterday our house got invaded by a couple monkeys (they're like squirrels here) that ventured in looking for bananas and then couldn't figure out how to get back outside through the big glass windows. Actually, I'll probably talk about any monkey shenanigans because they're pretty ******* cool. But I can't write about everything and do a crash course from an outsider perspective. I don't really do this to entertain people (sorry guys, tough love), I just like to record what I want when I want. Rio is a big, foreign, beautiful ******* place. I've settled right back into where I left off, got my slight grasp on the language (enough to get around, order food, say hi, ask girls if they speak english) . My days are spent sleeping in way too late, going to the beach when it's sunny, training in the evening, and staying up too late on the internet because I can't sleep. The inbetween time is mostly bullshitting and planning what when and where we're going to eat.

I guess I should write about the characters of the house. I'll stick to my dorm room because everyone else I don't know well enough and it's kind of creepy that I write about them on the internet. But my roomies can deal with it (one has access to this journal so now I have to be all nice and shit).

Adam AKA Handsome boy AKA THE DRAGON

Adam is a studly young man from the land of America, he enjoys things like stretching, slicing coconuts mid-air with machetes, and attending to his dangerously good looks. He was formerly a Jehovah's Witness but seems to have come out of the closet, needless to say. The Dragon came to Brazil only to (ironically in his last week or two) succumb to love. He extended his stay for another two weeks but has only become more stricken with his classy Brazilian lady. We say 'classy' to bother him because he used the word at some point in describing what he looks for in girls, but the two of them actually hit it off sometime around 3am sucking face in a mist filled club dance floor. Don't worry Dragon, it happens to the best of us. Adam is a young, innocent, friendly and well intentioned young white belt, who brings swagger and charm to the house. It's going to suck when he leaves next week. Adam is pestered constantly by the older brother of the dorm room, Sheeha.

Sheeha AKA Norwegian with a weird name AKA The worst wingman ever

Sheeha is a charismatic man hailing from Norway, his interests include nerding out on Diablo 2, charmingly making fun of all of us, and maintaining a healthy supply of homo-eroticism in the house. We don't have a nickname for Sheeha, which is probably because he's the one that gives out nicknames. I don't want to say that Sheeha is the assumed leader, because he's going to read this and I don't want him to feel that good about himself...but he's the older brother in a sense. Always talking nonsense, mocking The Dragon... I think he gets an unfair advantage in being funny as hell because everything's in this cheery Norwegian accent. Sheeha has proven to be the worst wingman ever. He's ever confident, good looking, etc..Gets TONS of looks from Brazilian girls, but he pays them ZERO attention, instead sending me or The Dragon in with all the pressure. I guess it could be worse. I'm just bitter because he won't assist me on this perfect double date that fell right into our laps, I'll explain that later. Sheeha is a very talented purple belt and if his muay thai skills are anywhere near his BJJ, he's going to give someone a very bad night on his first MMA fight.

Montana Mike AKA The Housefather AKA Randy

Montana Mike is a white belt who predictably Hails from Montana. I don't really know what he likes to do because he's not in the common room with us. Chances are he's in his private quarters meticulously masturbating away. Oh, but Montana has a girlfriend here in Brazil, so he's not only masturbating more than all of us combined, he's getting laid too. Mike's been here awhile, he seems to have a good setup back home that allows him to make money and stay out here at his leisure. I'm jealous as hell. Mike's prolonged presence in the house has lent him the nickname "The Housefather". He got the Randy one because Sheeha was making fun of him when he was standing around with pants and no shirt on all the time. You have to be a Trailer Park Boys fan to catch the reference, though I don't think it's a very fair nickname because he doesn't have the gut for it. Mike's also the Housefather because he convieniently has everything you could need. When I locked my keys in my locker, who had a hacksaw for me to saw the lock off? The Housefather. Who arranged my first night out and that fateful night for The Dragon to meet his classy lady? The Housefather. I laughed when I first heard that Montana Mike buys viagra over the counter here, but over time it's turned into a pretty fantastic idea that I might have to try for the experience.

Mike AKA Crazy Mike AKA Kenny

Crazy Mike is a source of stress, amusement, and uncertainty. Crazy Mike smokes a ton of marijuana but always talks about quitting. Crazy Mike gets paranoid as hell, always worrying about getting shot by the police or which housemate wants to fight him. He's also a heatseeking missile threatening Brazilian women's personal space anywhere and everywhere. Seriously, take him to the beach, the mall, the bus, whatever, and just watch him go. More than once Kenny has asked me if I'd **** a whore, if he and I could **** a whore, or if I would at least just film him while he does it. Most interactions with him leave you seriously considering which parts are real and which parts he's just messing with you, but the longer I stay the more I lean to the former. My strategy for living with Crazy Mike bounces between embracing and encouraging him and avoidance. He drives the house managers crazy.

Okay, it's 2am and that's more than I've written in months combined. Next I will probably describe the pros and cons of courting a Brazilian woman while I'm in the middle of it.

Rereading this I realized how shallow and college boy this sounds so far. I swear there's more to me and more to the trip than chasing girls, that just seems to be a good common ground to start on.
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