A lot of uneducated people look at Mixed Martial Arts as a savage bloodsport between two lunatics. Now normally, I'd argue against this point. After all, anyone who says that violence never solved anything is probably a ***** and causing problems. However, in this week's column I wanted to give the uneducated people and the pussies a break. I wanted to try to see things from their point of view. So I've gone through 20 years of modern gentlemanly combat and found six moments of conduct most ungentlemanly. From post-fight riots to neverending chokes to sucker punches, these are the moments that prove your girlfriend right about this horrible, inhuman karate whatever.
Wes "The Project" Sims vs. Frank Mir
UFC 43: Meltdown
For the first two minutes of this fight, Frank Mir dominated Wes Sims. He was so all over him that it looked like Wes Sims was losing a fight to his own douchebag-faced sweater. Then, as smoothly as if he was posing for a Jiu-Jitsu instructional book, Mir sat on Sims's chest and pulled him into an armbar. Sims had to escape by muscling Mir's entire body into the air and dropping him on his head. Now dropping someone on the top of their head is kind of illegal, but that's not the unsportsmanlike part. The unsportsmanlike part comes when Wes grabs hold of the cage with both hands, which you can't do, and starts furiously stomping on Frank Mir's face. Which you flagrantly can't do even if it's always wordlessly begging for it. It was so illegal that Wes might as well have thrown blinding powder or pulled out a photo of Frank Mir's kidnapped daughter and said, "She's strapped to a bomb that's set to go off when anyone named Wes Sims loses a fight!"
When the referee disqualified him for face stomping, he seemed more annoyed than angry. Almost as if he was explaining to a diabetic child for the fifth time that he's not allowed to drink jam. Wes Sims responded by making a face stupid people make when their mothers drink during pregnancy and walking away with his hands raised. It's possible he simply didn't know what he'd done, like when he snaps the head off one of his rabbits. To this day I don't think he realizes he lost the fight. Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if that entire fight he thought he was playing laser tag.
Watch the fight!
Mike Kyle vs. Brian Olsen
WEC 20: Cinco de Mayhem
This started out as a pretty good back-and-forth match until a punch from Brian Olsen knocked all the goodness out of Mike Kyle's heart. Brian Olsen wasn't aiming for his conscience, but he hit it and knocked it out. Newly awakened Dark Kyle responded by ramming a knee in the general direction of Olsen's crotch and then hip throwing him onto the mat. The night demanded that Mike Kyle make the kill, but after several dominant positions with no effective offense, it was clear he wasn't going to be able to do much of anything. It was a stalemate, like a Democratic Congress trying to get to third base with a Mormon horse--nobody is going to be doing anything to anyone until someone decides to throw ethics out the window. So Mike Kyle did. He jumped to his feet and kicked Brian Olsen in his neck while he was down. It actually blurred the line between disqualification and felony assault, which should have been impossible in the middle of something called a "fight."
The referee dove in to stop the fight, but Mike Kyle didn't care. He's of the school of thought where if you get caught stabbing a hooker, you might as well steal her wallet and tell the police that her meth is yours. So as the referee pulled him off, the already disqualified Mike Kyle kept punching and punching Olsen's unconscious head. I suppose when you're clearly going to end up in prison some day, it's never too early to send a message to the other inmates.
Tank Abbott vs. John Matua
UFC 6: Clash of the Titans
Tank Abbott is the kind of guy you'd expect police to find alone in the center of a wrecked biker bar before they called for immediate backup. He looks like the shitty character from every fighting video game who'd somehow reverse-Tron'ed into our world. His face makes it clear that he hates everything that isn't ZZ Top or alcohol poisoning. He bench presses 600 pounds and wore gloves into the Octagon back when you didn't have to. This implied that he knew things about punching skulls that the rest of us didn't. People put on a diaper before they make eye contact with him.
In his first UFC fight, Tank's opponent was 400 pound John Matua. John Matua practiced something called Kapu Kuialau, the "Hawaiian art of bone breaking." If you're familiar with the skeletal structure of the Polynesian people, then you know that's ******* crazy. Hawaiian's have such reinforced bones that even their women solve every problem with a headbutt. The automotive industry uses Hawaiian bones to test high-speed impacts because they're cheaper than titanium, and that's why every Ford Escape is haunted. All I'm saying is that on paper, John Matua was looking alright.
When the fight started, Tank and John went at each other like six grizzly bears versus a river full of salmon. I figured you'd have to do some weird shit to break Hawaiian bones, but I had no idea it would involve so much slipping and slapping. Fifteen seconds into the two great beasts' graceful dance, Tank grabbed Matua by his T-shirt and hit him with a right hand so hard that train accidents thought their father had finally come back home. It was such a terrible injustice against faces that Bono's orbital bone wrote a song about it.
When a person gets knocked out, strange things happen. Sometimes you wake up quickly and have no idea what happened. Sometimes you stay unconscious until the A-Team is done saving everyone in your illegal sweatshop. In John Matua's case, his brain got confused and told every part of his body to go jogging in a different direction. So he hit the ground stiff and twitching. Tank Abbott, with the class one would expect from central casting's idea of a prison movie extra, looked back at the body and mocked his seizure. Mocked his seizure. That's the kind of thing that makes Satan shuffle the papers on his desk and say, "Shit, I don't even think I have a form for that."
Tito Ortiz vs. Guy Mezger
UFC 19: Ultimate Young Guns
In their rematch, Tito Ortiz outwrestled one-time beauty pageant contestant Guy Mezger and won by gently bonking Guy on the back of the head until the referee stopped it. The fight is listed as a TKO victory for Tito, but historians actually mark it as the day a gorilla tried to invent volleyball. The lucid and unhurt Guy Mezger wasn't happy that the referee interrupted his neck massage to try to convince him that he was unconscious. And he was even less happy when he turned around to see Tito doing an elaborate pantomime act involving a cowboy shootout and two middle fingers. And I can't imagine he cheered up when Tito then put on a shirt that said "GAY Mezger Is My Bitch!" Class. Act.
Go here to watch the fight.
I grew up being sort of nice to people, so I've never been clear on all the subtle transitive properties of gay insults. However, I'm almost sure that if you tell a person that they're gay and that they're your bitch, you're not coming out the end of that insult as a heterosexual yourself. Plus keep in mind that after his previous win against Jerry Bohlander, Tito wore a shirt that read "I just ****ed your ass!" Which is weird, because that's not an idiom people use or some kind of clever play on words. I mean, I just ****ed your ass... nothing has ever meant only one thing as hard as that.
Now consider the fact that he's sleeping with porn star Jenna Jameson. There's an old saying that when you sleep with someone you're actually sleeping with every person they've been with. So medically speaking, Tito Ortiz has had thousands of men inside him. It's like Tito knew there was this community of people who wouldn't pay attention to his T-shirt slogans, so decided to use science to hint that he's gay. But why? I'll tell you: To add credibility to his clothing line inspired by and featuring superstar fighter Guy Mezger. Check out the fall collection from Tito Ortiz's PUNch Line:
Gary "Big Daddy" Goodridge vs. Pedro "The Pedro" Otavio
International Vale Tudo Championship 1
Early in his career, Gary Goodridge listed his fighting style as "Arm Wrestling." To give you an idea of what kind of fighting strategy a master of Arm Wrestling employs, Gary went into this matchup complaining that this ***** organization didn't allow his two favorite moves: biting and eye-gouging. I mean, in arm wrestling, an eye gouge is how you say thank you, maybe and six names of soup. Anyway, as you can imagine, if your opponent's Plan A was poking your eyes out and they outlaw that, his backup plan is your balls. And oh my God was Gary Goodridge's backup plan your balls.
The fight started without a hint of the groin damage to come. Within seconds of the starting bell, both fighters ended up on the mat for 10 impotent yet exhausting minutes. What happened next will certainly flag this article as inappropriate by your office's content filter, so at this point I'm just typing about balls to myself. Again.
Gary was under The Pedro in butterfly guard and suddenly his entire offensive strategy centered around The Pedro's dong. Gary snaked his foot into his opponent's tiny trunks. He was wiggling his foot, sometimes feet around in there, switching between massages and attacks. Sometimes he was just trying to pull the trunks completely off, because at this point why not? Make no mistake, fight fans: Inside The Pedro's cup, a second and better championship bout was taking place between Penis and Foot. The crowd booed as Gary's toes wiggled out from under The Pedro's briefs which read "The Pedro" on the butt. It was a celebrity footjob that the executives at Tinactin wish they would have thought of first. This fight inspired a torta shop in The Pedro's home town of Rio de Janeiro to name a sandwich after him. It's a hot dog and a human foot served in a salty cup. Sorry.
Like all romances, the love affair between Gary's foot and The Pedro's balls ended badly. After they stood up, Gary threw a blatant field goal kick into The Pedro's crotch like a **** victim in a self-defense book. Then he reached into The Pedro's trunks and used his battered dong as a handle to throw him to the ground. And it didn't stop. Ever. Gary punched it. He squeezed it. He told the cops it fell down the stairs. Within five minutes, Gary Goodridge was finding more uses for a human dick than I did during two years of puberty. And I grew up on a farm.
In the era in which this fight took place, turning a man's junk into cube steak was technically allowed in MMA rules. The referee practically had a nervous breakdown as he struggled against his instincts to stop this inhuman basket strangling. There was so much testicle damage being done that 20 years in the future, The Pedro's son was shrieking at his own hand while he faded from existence. The crowd booed and whistled and sometimes threw garbage because no one could agree on the proper social etiquette for watching a man legally kill a penis. But legal or not, exploiting the delicate nature of genitals is no way for a gentleman to win a fight. Which is why Tito Ortiz's charity organization made this public service shirt about it:
Shinya Aoki vs. Mizuto Hirota
K-1 Dynamite! 2009
DREAM lightweight champion Shinya Aoki is the genetic result of a country whose leading cause of pregnancy is tentacle. He's a tiny alien beast more octopus than man. His submission skills are impossible. He breaks bones and ligaments so easily that he takes his dates home in their own purses. If Shinya Aoki were to manually masturbate an animal, he would tear its dick off. That's not a joke--that's the exact warning that the Japanese government brands onto all livestock. But Aoki has a kind heart... he wears rainbow tights so the last thing your neck sees will be beautiful.
In Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, there's a move called the "gogoplata." It's a shin choke that no one in MMA ever, ever gets. Brazilian warriors only invented the move so that one day, 40 percent of every UFC broadcast would be Joe Rogan screaming, "Gogoplata! He's got the gogo-! No he doesn't. Gogopla-! He's lost it. GOGO-! No, that's a pirate ghost. Wait. A p-p-p-PIRATE GHOST!?" Well, Shinya Aoki has no respect for the sense of humor of ancient Brazilian warriors. He gets gogoplatas all the time. A normal night for Shinya Aoki is picking chunks of human neck out of the breathable cotton strip of his rainbow tights.
At the end of last year, Aoki was in a cross-promotional fight against the Sengoku lightweight champion, Mizuto Hirota. Mizuto was considered a standout 155-pound fighter. Aoki, on the other hand, had to buy a second home to store his collection of 155-pound corpse trophies. We expected Aoki to win by tap out, but holy shit, he poured over Hirota like a bucket of wet manslaughter.
Aoki calmly, and in rainbow tights, took the fight the ground. He then pulled Hirota's right arm behind his back and showed how easy it is to punch someone in the head when they don't have a right arm. It was so easy for him that he got bored. He was beating Hirota with all the enthusiasm of a receptionist hitting reload on her Twitter feed. I've seen people more excited about their sleeping pill overdose.
Finally, Aoki decides to try to end the fight. He grabs Hirota's arm with both hands and cranks it into a hammerlock. It was disgusting and airtight. Even Hulkamania wouldn't get you out of this hold. And it was about here where a cultural problem developed. In Japan they have this thing called Bushido. It's like giant balls, but more institutionalized. It's why we had to invent the atomic bomb. It basically means that when some asshole is ripping your arm off, your warrior spirit requires you to allow it. So Hirota's left arm refused to tap out as his right one was snapped into a vaguely arm-shaped sack of bone splinters.
So now after Aoki turns the fight into a Failblog skater video, the referee jumps in to stop it. Now up until now, Aoki isn't a dick. Hirota basically made this little bastard break his arm. Here's the part where Aoki becomes a dick: when he leaps to his feet and screams at the face area of Mizuto Hirota's remains, flipping him off with 2000 percent more enthusiasm than he kicked his ass with. Aoki then runs in a circle with his fingers out, being careful to flip off every single person in the capacity crowd. These people saw a grappling match turn into attempted murder turn into rabid cursing. It was like watching a security tape of a mail carrier quitting his job in reverse. And when Shinya finally finished his 360-degree ****-you attack, he turned to Hirota and with his tongue out, mocked his broken arm. "Fortunately," said Satan, "Aoki's not the first person to think of this. I actually do have forms for this kind of thing now."