This is a very funny story that a guy on a different forum I go to posted. Be warned that this story contains gratuitous amounts of toilet humor.
Well my friend sent me the story about how he got a barium enema and since I've shown it to dozens of people. I haven't laughed so hard in quite some time. For those of you who don't know what an enema is, it's "the procedure of introducing liquids into the rectum and colon via the anus" (wikipedia), and a barium enema is simply doing this with barium to get an x-ray of your large intestine. Pretty brutal stuff, but read on and enjoy!
10 - The Few. The Proud. The Penetrated.
I am in the process of joining a minority amongst men. Tomorrow I will willingly be getting a shaft shoved up my ass and this shaft will squirt a translucent white liquid into my rectum.
I am, of course, referring to the process of getting a barium enema. The preparation starts today and I will be logging my experience on here so that everyone will know how much it sucks to get a metal shaft rammed up the anal sphincter.
12:00 noon - I open the Royvac Bowel Evacuant Kit and am suprised to see that the bulk of the container is a 296ml bottle of liquid. I wonder whether I have to drink it all at once. I am now not allowed to eat anything. Only clear fluids for the next 24 hours.
12:03pm - I discover that I do have to down the whole bottle at once as well as do a bunch of other things that I don't want to do. I drink 8 oz of water as instructed.
12:11pm - I take my first dump before I've ingested any of the contents of the Royvac Bowel Evacuant Kit. I begin wondering if this whole kit just uses psychology to make people think they have to shit instead of actually doing anything. I really don't want to use that frig'n suppository.
12:25pm - I instinctively open the fridge to get a snack. Sadness washes over me as I realize that I still have 23 hours and 35 minutes before I can eat anything.
12:30pm - I down the 296ml bottle of Royvac Magnesium Citrate Oral Solution over ice. It tastes like water ...... with orange tang flavoured chalk put in it. 'A strong bowel cleansing action should be expected 3 to 6 hours after drinking this preparation' ...... wonderful.
12:36pm - I belch wondering if this will alter the effectiveness of the solution since I definately do not want to go through this shit again (pun intended).
1:00pm - I drink another 8 oz of water as instructed.
2:39pm - I see a commercial for the DQ Meltdown burger. I want to cry due to lack of being able to eat. I am now scared to fart without being on the toilet both because I might shit myself and because my farts now have the most disgusting smell they have ever had. Bathroom fan is a necessity.
2:50pm - I just took my second shit of the day. It was like shitting water and smelled like no shit I have ever taken. It smelled almost as if someone had added an orange tang flavoured chalk to my feces. I am convinced that the words 'strong bowel cleansing action' need to be replaced with 'violent liquid shitting'.
3:00pm - I have taken all 3 Royvac Bisacodyl tablets as instructed and wonder why they don't just make it into one bigger tablet. It still feels like I need to crap, even though I just went 10 minutes ago.
3:01pm - I run down the hall and take another shit, even though I just went 11 minutes ago. This time it is literally a liquid shit. If someone were to listen from outside they would think I was taking a piss. Whoever invented Royvac should be shot. I am no longer doubting whether the effects of Royvac are psychological or not.
4:05pm - Another liquid shit. It's becoming more clear and less brown each time.
4:11pm - Another shit. Colour trend continues.
4:33pm - ******* Burger King commercials are driving me insane. I know there are Doritos upstairs too. My mouth keeps watering. So damn hungry.
5:34pm - So damn hungry. I am allowed to have consumme soup broth (because it is a clear liquid I guess) for dinner. This is the best damn soup that I have ever had.
5:45pm - A rumble in my tummy. I ran down the hall and almost didn't make it to the toilet before my ass exploded.
5:52pm - My dad says to me, "Hey, want to sit with us and watch us eat?" ................. jackass.
5:58pm - I discover that I'm allowed to eat jello. This is the greatest ******* thing since sliced bread. Since SLICED ******* BREAD!!!!!!
6:32pm - My shits are more explosive and are now accompanied with a burning sensation around my asshole when it explodes. I regret eating the hot and spicey dish from Wok-In last night.
6:43pm - HOLY ******* HELL IT BURNS!!! I swear to God I'm shitting stomach acid or something.
8:57pm - I really want some food. I'm shitting so frequently that there's no point in logging each one here. I've been trying to hold in my shits so that I may take fewer, bigger dumps and hence reduce ass burnage.
10:00pm - I've inserted the sopository into my ass. It went in suprisingly smooth compared to what I was expecting. I now must hold in whatever shit I need to take for 10-15 minutes "even if the urge is strong". For those that don't know, a sopository is something that you shove up your ass and it dissolves in your rectum in order to acheive some goal. In this case ...... making me blow out the last of the shit in my rectum.
10:05pm - I'm starting to feel a fizzing feeling in my rectum. It is not pleasant.
10:17pm - The soppository didn't make me want to shit as bad as I thought it would. Still, that was the grossest shit that I've taken so far. I'm not even going to give the details.
11:30pm - Go to bed after one more shit to make sure everything is out.
A few times throughout the night - Wake up and go take a shit.
9:00am - Wake up next to my sweetie.
9:40am - Get up and go to have a shower.
9:43am - Realize that lack of food has caused me to be weaker than normal and that I need food. Unfortunately after midnight I'm not allowed to have anything ...... even water.
9:59am - My body is going to collapse. I need food badly.
10:03am - Leave to go get my ass raided.
10:17am - It's really damn hard to concentrate. My body is weak from lack of nourishment. I start thinking that I should be using the handicap buttons on the doors.
10:20am - I try to pull open the push door to Imaging Services despite the sign on the door that says "push". Those handicap buttons are looking like a better idea.
10:47am - Lucy is the best girlfriend ever. and she is now hungry too.
10:48am - I cross out the lame shit that Lucy wrote on my paper because nobody cares what she has to say.
10:49am - They call me for my ultrasound.
11:03am - Lucy is going for lunch because her boyfriend doesn't appreciate her!! Probably a big juicy burger from JJs.
11:09am - Again I have to cross out the lame shit she wrote. She is no longer allowed to hold the paper. I am done my ultrasound which was nothing too spectacular. Basically the same as how you see pregnant ladies getting them in movies, except add a little driving the damn thing into my ribs for discomfort.
11:11am - They call me for the dreaded enema. I go around back and get changed in the change room. They tell Lucy that she's not allowed to take pictures and that she has to wait in the waiting room. I am disapointed about this.
11:14am - I am sitting in the enema room. The nurse shows me the enema. It looks like a penis. I'm not even joking. It's skin colour and has a head at the tip. It's got 3 tubes going into the back of the shaft. The nurse shows me how the balloon at the end is going to inflate. I am suddenly convinced that there is no God and if there is he is out to get me. The doctor comes in and shoves the enema up my ass. I instantly feel like I'm going to shit my pants ...... if I had pants on of course. He takes his time rolling me over in different positions with the enema sticking out of my ass, periodically inflating and deflating it. He takes a bunch of pictures which takes about 10 minutes. Then the nurse has her turn to take pictures using a different device. The enema is still sticking out of my ass. I don't have to shit as much as I did when the doctor was doing it. Perhaps this is because she is refraining from inflating and deflating the balloon.
11:35am - The girl finishes with the x-rays and pulls the enema out of my ass. I have to shit. She makes me sit up and ******* wait to see if I'm dizzy or something. I quickly say no and walk briskly to the washroom where my ass explodes. White barium is shooting out of my cornhole in massive quantities. It is not quiet, nor is it a stream of liquid. It is literally spraying white shit with muffled fart noises to accompany it.
11:44am - I am done my long shit. It was a triple flusher. I used probably half a roll of toilet paper wiping.
11:55am - I tempt fate by farting without being over a toilet. Eating my sub is far more important than not soiling myself with white spraying farts.
12:00 noon - I can't hold it in any longer. I quickly grab the key to the mens washroom at Subway and bolt. I don't even bother putting the three pieces of toilet paper around the seat for ass protection. My ass explodes again. I shatter my record for longest continuous fart. It was about 15-25 seconds long. I was laughing too hard to bother counting the seconds for sure. The ladies washroom is right next to the mens. I laugh because the girl going in will be able to hear my anus spewing barium.
12:06pm - I have finished my sub and we leave Subway. Their toilet will never be the same.
6:41pm - I can't eat nearly as much as I used to. My stomach has shrank or something. I couldn't even finish a single plate of spaghetti. I've also come to realize that the term "taking a crap" has become a very loose term over the last few days. It has come to represent everything from a normal shit to pissing out of my ass to white liquid exploding out of my anus. Avoid barium enemas at all costs.
12:05am - I just took my first solid shit since yesterday. By 'solid' I mean 'like a rock' ...... literally. I am apparently constipated now and am shitting either white barium covered shits, or am shitting pure solidified barium. Either way, they sank pretty fast and I've never heard a 'plop' sound quite like that before now.
Tuesday 12:43pm - The worst of it seems to be over. The food I ate yesterday and today is returning strength to my body and my shitting frequency has dropped to a normal rate. I kind of feel like a 'Stage Completed' screen should be flashing in front of me ...... or like the storyline should be advancing in some way ...... the storyline of LIFE!!!
The next Tuesday 4:43pm - I just called and got my results back. The tests showed up nothing. Although an aside comment was that they couldn't see one of my kidneys. So I was probably only born with 1 kidney. This basically affects nothing other than I need to be wary of getting punched in the kidneys.