It's a long read, but it's full of adventure. I was going to make a joke about how much cereal I have eaten when stoned, but Joe's got that covered.
Iím writing this letter to express my disappointment in your company in firing Michael Phelps as a spokesperson for your products because he was photographed while enjoying some marijuana.
I respectfully would like to communicate my opinion on this matter because I think itís of great public interest.
First of all, although it is true that Mr. Phelps broke the law, I think any reasonably intelligent person would admit that itís one of the most ****ed up and corrupt laws that we have today in this country. Marijuana is relatively harmless and certainly far less dangerous than a host of other things that are not only legal but also readily available, like alcohol and prescription drugs. The only reason it remains illegal to this day is because itís a plant and you canít patent it and control itís sale, and because if it were legal it would greatly affect the demand for a host of prescription drugs that rake in billions of dollars each year for pharmaceutical companies.
Marijuana has never killed anyone EVER in over 10,000 years of use. Weíre not protecting people from themselves, weíre not saving the children - itís just a horribly illogical law that is in place because of corruption and propaganda.
The fact that itís against the law is just a disgusting reminder of how retarded our system is, not a reasonable reaction to a proven threat to society.
I have to say, this whole thing saddens me, because I personally would like to think that as Americans weíre better than this. These television news anchors will shake their heads at the thoughtless mistake Mr. Phelps had made by ďsmoking dope,Ē and then without even the tiniest sense of irony they will cut to a beer commercial.
This is supposed to be the land of the free and the home of the brave, right? Weíre not supposed to be a nation of little bitches giving in to the whims of corrupt politicians and the pharmaceutical companies whoís interests theyíre representing.
Itís 2009, and in this day and age with the incredible access to information that we have available thereís no ******* way that we should be allowing human beings to tell other human beings that they canít do something that they enjoy that hurts no one including themselves.
THAT is madness. THAT is ignorant, and THAT is completely ******* un-American.
I donít want to hear any of that, ďheís setting a bad example with the childrenĒ nonsense either, because we all know if he had a gin and tonic in his hand instead of a bong this would never have been an issue, even though every single study ever done has shown that marijuana is FAR less dangerous than alcohol.
Marijuana laws are a horrible waste of resources and law enforcement, and especially in this day and age with our economy in such horrible shape I believe the last thing we need to be doing is wasting tax payersí money on any of this victimless bullshit.
I find your reactions to Mr. Phelps situation both ignorant and short sighted.
I think what would have been a far better response from Kelloggís would be to support Mr. Phelps, and perhaps point out that maybe we as a society should take a closer look at the evidence and possibly reconsider our position on this misunderstood plant that so many of our productive citizens find useful.
Now, Iím sure if you really were running Kelloggís and you were still reading my bullshit all the way down to this, you must be thinking, ďWhy the hell would we stick our necks out like that for pot smokers?Ē
And of course the answer to that question would be, because we buy your shit, mother****er.
Do you guys even know your consumer statistics? Well, let me fill you in on some of my own personal scientific research on the subject, because I have been closely studying my own purchases for over 20 years, and I can tell you that Iíve been high 100% of the time Iíve bought your shit.
I mean, do you guys ever think about what you sell?
Pop tarts? Are you kidding me? I would be willing to bet that 50% of the people buying pop tarts are stoned out of their ******* minds.
Just to be perfectly clear on my position, I would like you to know that I enjoy your products. I think many of them are quite tasty, but lets be honest; you guys sell sugar-drenched shit thatís horrible for your body - in fact, itís actually way worse for your body than pot - and you market this shit specifically to children.
You assholes go as far as putting lovable cartoon characters on the boxes just so that kids will beg their parents for it.
Now, I donít want you to misunderstand my point, because I in no way want anything bad to happen to your company. Like I said, I genuinely enjoy your products.
Thereís nothing quite like being stoned out of your mind at 2am watching a Chuck Norris movie and eating a bowl of fruit loops. Your company and its products have been a part of some very pleasurable moments in guilty eating, and Iím glad youíre around.
All Iím saying is that itís high time (no pun intended) that you mother****ers respect the stoner dollar. Thereís WAY more of us than you might think, and we tend to get upset about dumb shit like this. There are millions of us, and if we decide that we donít like a company, theyíre going to feel it.
I think if you looked into it carefully, you would be surprised at how many undercover potheads there are out there. Pot smokers donít all fit into the obvious, negative stereotypes; we come in all shapes and forms - including by the way, the form of the greatest ******* swimmer who ever lived, EVER.
Think about THAT shit for a second..
So in closing, I would like to ask you nice folks to please smarten the **** up.
I would request that you check the calendar and note that itís 2000 and ******* 9, and next time you think about getting all uppity about pot you might want to do a quick google search on the facts.
Itís 4:40am here in LA, and Iím going to wrap up this blog and to celebrate its completion Iím going to enjoy one of my personal favorite Kelloggís products: Eggo waffles.
Iím gonna pop 4 of them bitches into the toaster, and then Iím gonna stuff the bong with some fine, American grown ďTrain WreckĒ and sacrifice the sacred plant to the fire gods in tribute to the unjustly persecuted 8 time Olympian hero. Then Iím gonna get some butter, and Iím gonna smear it on those Eggos, Iím gonna cover them with maple syrup, and Iím going to eat the ever loving **** out of them.
Good day, sirs.