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post #1 of 21 (permalink) Old 04-22-2009, 11:33 AM Thread Starter
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8 Stages of Drunk

I usually start at step 4 and then head off till step 7 and 8. I actually just posted this because it had the words "flaccid penis" in it. I'd like to change the name of Stage 8: “Your…Pudgerdugffffgjjjj…Tell You Some…Farderschmard?” to Stage 8: "Xeberus"

http://www.holytaco.com/8-stages-alcohol-consumption

Quote:
During the course of a night out on the town, a person likes to have a drink, or twenty. And on that voyage, there are some very clear stages you pass through. We decided to outline them for you, so that you could monitor where you're at during the night.

Stage 1: “I Could Go For A Few Beers”




You’ve decided to start the night off right by kicking back a few brews with your friends and relaxing a little. You take the opportunity to catch up on the events of the day, and kill the time until the alcohol kicks in. A hilarious discussion about a topical viral video that everyone watched at work today will kill most of that time, and you also brought up “this crazy episode of House” that you watched earlier in the week, which all of your friends agree was “really crazy.” You and your buddies will waste time with sighs, awkward silences, and funny stories about your youthful days until the booze goes to work.


Stage 2: “This Beer Tastes Awesome”



By now, the alcohol has started to soak into your blood stream. You’re feeling relaxed, loose, and comfortable. Most importantly, that beer you’re drinking has changed. Twenty minutes ago, you almost had to choke it down, but now it tastes absolutely delicious. In fact, you’re pretty sure the bartender did something different to it to make it so delicious. So how do you get more beer? Well, since one of your buddies is already up at the bar, you can just yell at him to get you another! It’ll save you the walk over there, and the other people in the crowded bar won’t mind you yelling your friend’s name over and over. In fact, you don’t even have to use words, once you get his attention. Just point at your glass, then point at him, and raise your eyebrows. If he doesn’t understand, just do the same thing again, but really accentuate the gestures more. If he still doesn’t get it, just start yelling really loudly at him. Whatever you do, don’t just walk across the bar and get it yourself. That would be a waste of time!


Stage 3: “We’re All Doing Shots!”



The only people who willingly swallow a disgusting liquid and then say “oh yeah!” afterwards are drunk people and porn stars. And both usually have a high percentage of ending their night with something stuck in their asshole. During this stage, you usually put your arms around people and say things like “This guy right here…this fuggin guy…this is the guy, right here…” but never actually say anything about that guy. And since no one ever wants to do shots alone, what usually happens is you try and rally your friends to do it by giving them a speech like it’s half time of the Super Bowl and you’re down 27 points. “Come on you guys. Let’s f&*king do this! I’m tired of you guys sitting around being f&^king pussies! You need to step this shit up!”



Stage 4: “A Grizzly Bear Would Kick A Gorilla’s Ass In A Fight.”



Drunk people are like Bill O’Reilly, they have a ton of opinions, and they think if they yell them loud enough, it makes them right. At this point in the night, you’re feeling pretty confident in yourself, and pretty much anything anyone says or does will cause you to start an argument. You basically become a woman on her period, except less bloated. Then you force everyone to take a side in some made up argument like, “Would you rather get a blowjob from a dude, or get boned in the ass by a girl wearing a strap-on?”



Stage 5: “I Am Going To Drink All The Time Every Day Forever.”



Right now you have no idea why you haven't spent your entire life drinking because DRINKING IS TOTALLY AWESOME. Everything rules. All those stupid little problems you had earlier in the day don't matter. In fact, you can't even remember what they were because THIS SONG ON THE JUKEBOX IS THE GREATEST SONG YOU'VE EVER HEARD IN YOUR LIFE! Holy shit this is an epic night. You realize how much you really, truly love your friends and, starting tomorrow, you're totally going to start on all those plans you were talking about the last time you went out drinking. Like applying to Grad school, and writing that screenplay and going to the gym five days a week. You're life is going to be different from now on. You're a new man who's going to get shit done. But first, let's get another round and PUT THAT SONG ON THE JUKEBOX AGAIN. In fact, this song is so good, you're going to play this song five times in a row, just so everyone in this bar understands how AWESOMELY EPIC THIS SONG IS. Drinking rules.


Stage 6: “Your Face Is A Stupid Face.”



At this point, you’re “totally fun night out with your friends” turns a corner to become a “dark journey into the recesses of your mind.” You feel the need to voice (loudly) all the problems you have with your friends. You feel it is your duty to bring up anything from an old pal’s tendency to always be late, to a friend’s inability to deal with a childhood molestation. So you climb up on your high horse and find fault with everyone at the table except yourself. Then come the horrible impressions of your friends that just consist of "Hey check me out, I'm mike and I think of other chicks when I'm doing my girlfriend!" meanwhile Mike is standing next to his girlfriend. And when someone tells you to A) Chill out or B) Shut up, you can only respond with petty, verbal attacks that make fun of your friend’s hair/clothes/face. You will spend many hours of the next day saying things like, “Uhh, hey man, I think I said a few things that…ya know, maybe I shouldn’t have. I was pretty bombed. We’re cool, right?”

Stage 7: “This Sidewalk Is Having Some Problems”



For obvious reasons, the night usually comes to a close after Stage 6. So, on your way home, fully blacked out, you realize that pouring buckets of alcohol into your face for seven straight hours actually does have an affect on your ability to stand, walk, and move your limbs. Staggering home to your bed becomes your main focus, but for some reason you find yourself stopping to tell random passersby your thoughts, which consist mainly of, “Whoooooo! The (Insert Favorite Sports Team) are totally gonna WHOOOOO!” Then you usually fall down into someone’s yard and offer a policeman a beer.


Stage 8: “Your…Pudgerdugffffgjjjj…Tell You Some…Farderschmard?”



During this final stage, everything that comes out of your mouth sounds like a cross between Fat Albert’s Mushmouth and Kurt Cobain (after he blew his head off.) You will have no recollection of what you do at this point, but you will stumble around your house eating whatever stale snack foods you have in your cupboard and then fall asleep on your couch while trying to masturbate to late-night infomercials. The next day you will wake up with a dry mouth, a splitting headache and an extremely flaccid penis in your hand (thankfully it’s your own.)



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post #2 of 21 (permalink) Old 04-22-2009, 12:05 PM
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haha! that was an awesome post. And yes. I can totally relate.

Xeb, haha. "i tobnkally anf deunk tnuate" good man.
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post #3 of 21 (permalink) Old 04-22-2009, 12:16 PM
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Ahh... brings me back to college days. I should go out drinking sometimes... but I have to do it at a friends house cuz I'm not 21.


Sweet sig by Life B EZ


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post #4 of 21 (permalink) Old 04-22-2009, 06:42 PM
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this reminds me of sunday....oh and saturday....and the thursday and friday before those....i think... from what i.... no.. yeah... yeah those days too.


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post #5 of 21 (permalink) Old 04-22-2009, 07:47 PM
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Ah! My kind of thread, I feel right at home



If a law is unjust, a man is not only right to disobey it, he is obligated to do so. ~ Thomas Jefferson


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post #6 of 21 (permalink) Old 04-22-2009, 08:03 PM
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ah man this is so true, expect i dont normaly do stage 6 lol,
im actually drinking right now as we speak, so in an hour or two, i could end up like xeberus :/
lol

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post #7 of 21 (permalink) Old 04-22-2009, 08:16 PM
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Damn, I am at like stage 5 right now...


Thanks to Toxic for the Awesome Sig!

Even if the whole world is against you, one thing will never let you down. That thing is beer.



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post #8 of 21 (permalink) Old 04-22-2009, 08:17 PM
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i dont even know if i'll get to finish my ciders, im feeling pretty tired already lol and its only 1:17 am

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post #9 of 21 (permalink) Old 04-22-2009, 10:16 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by xeberus View Post
Ah! My kind of thread, I feel right at home
You need to smoke more my friend. Go to a gas station and ask random guys who look like they smoke if they'll pitch you off some. You'd be surprised at how easy it is to find the green stuff.


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post #10 of 21 (permalink) Old 04-22-2009, 11:04 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Spoken812 View Post
You need to smoke more my friend. Go to a gas station and ask random guys who look like they smoke if they'll pitch you off some. You'd be surprised at how easy it is to find the green stuff.
I would if I could get the decent stuff all the dudes I know sell metric tons of low grade stuff, if I could get some quality I'd burn it up :P

but generally im a big fan of the booze :P



If a law is unjust, a man is not only right to disobey it, he is obligated to do so. ~ Thomas Jefferson


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