I am not going to give a time limit on this one. I want to hear the funniest joke ever. I want to read clean, racist, sexist and anything in between. DO NOT HOLD BACK. I will try not to let this go on to long but I think we need some good laughs. After there is a winner maybe we can keep it going and change the title to funniest joke ever thread.
Its one of those 13+ jokes, contains profanity and adult themes.
There was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip.
He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else.
So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him.
He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said,
"Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on,
but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for
weeks, except -- " and he stopped.
"Except what?" the man asked.
"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"
"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the
"So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked.
The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old
wooden box, carved with strange symbols.
He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big ******* deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"
The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."
He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door."
The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle.
Before the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo dick, get back in
The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.
"I'll take it!" said the businessman.
The old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally
surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick, my *****."
He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.
After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny.
She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my *****!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever
After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked.
Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off.
So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help.
She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to
the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo.
way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her *****, and wouldn't stop screwing.
The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!"
If a law is unjust, a man is not only right to disobey it, he is obligated to do so. ~ Thomas Jefferson
A jet is flying across the country when suddenly one of the engines goes off and the pilot decides that they have to get rid of some of the weight, and to do it fairly he announces that they will do it in alphabetic order.
"A!" says the pilot, 'are there any African Americans?"
"B! Are there any blacks?"
Again nobody answers.
"C! Are there any coloured people?"
And yet again nobody answers.
Then, a small afro-american boy says to his father sitting right next to him: "But, daddy, aren't we african american, black and coloured?"
The father answers: "No, son, today we're N-bombs - let the mexicans go first!"