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Old 09-27-2011, 09:06 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Best friend getting a divorce

Hey guy bad news for me. My best friend who Ive know since grade school just told me today he is getting a divorce. I am completely shocked by it as both he and his wife seem to me to be great people and when i was with them they seemed to get along well however something happened and i dont know what. He did not elaborate much at all just said things were not good and they started to not like each other. I have been here for a while and got to know some of you and you all seem like good guys so i was wondering if you guys cold give me some advice on what to do.

Guys as most of you know i have gone through extremely hard times in my life (brain cancer for example) and got through them all. However ironically because of the attitude and will power I had and have developed from that i dont always do so well helping others.

For me when i had brain cancer my attitude was essentially "Ok this is what we got to do well lets just do it no stalling or complaining or nothing." as well as "there is no way i am going to let this thing beat me and i am going to live!" However i realize that most people dont have this attitude and sometime telling them to act like this just pisses them off and puts them in worse shape.

so guys if you have ever gone through or know someone that has gone through a divorce what do i say to make things better for my friend? What does someone in this position want to hear and what do they need to hear?

basically i told the guy "hey sorry you are going through this and if there is anything you need just ask." Plan on calling and checking up on him asking him to go out and do stuff but i would like some advice on if there is something more i could and/or should do.

Thanks

AF
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Old 09-27-2011, 09:37 PM   #2 (permalink)
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If I was in his position and friends began calling out of nowhere to hang out I would be embarrassed. He'll know the attention is because of his situation and might feel resentment towards the people that only want to befriend him in a tough time.

Just swing by his place now and again with a six pack or more. Don't steer the conversation towards the bad news just bullshit with him. When you leave don't mention the divorce, wife, kids if they have them, just tell him to have a good one and leave.

He'll know that you're thinking of him and will appreciate the time together without remenscing about bad times.

Hope it works out for him, there's only one couple I call myself friends with that will last the long haul imo. Seems like everyone is getting divorced these days
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Old 09-28-2011, 09:51 AM   #3 (permalink)
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I kinda agree with the above. Take him out or go round to his, have some fun and take his mind off it, when going through something hard you need a release every now and then.

Kinda disagree with the bit about the embarrassment of friends coming out of nowhere, I think that having a group of friends that let him know they are there for him would only be beneficial so he knows he isn't alone out there.
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Old 09-28-2011, 01:24 PM   #4 (permalink)
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IMO you're on the right track. Just be there for him. Be supportive and remember that advise NOT asked for is not advise. As guys we natually look at things as a problem to be fixed. This is something only your friend, not you, can "fix".

You sound like a really good friend and I wish you both well thru the coming hard times.

Good Luck
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Old 09-28-2011, 06:50 PM   #5 (permalink)
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thanks for the words guys i think i am on the right track i guess just be there if he needs me and hang out with him to get his mind off things. I appreciate it guys.

He is a tough guy i know he will get through it just wanted to know if there was a way to make it easier on him.

Thanks again

AF
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Old 09-28-2011, 06:52 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Halfraq9 View Post
IMO you're on the right track. Just be there for him. Be supportive and remember that advise NOT asked for is not advise. As guys we natually look at things as a problem to be fixed. This is something only your friend, not you, can "fix".

You sound like a really good friend and I wish you both well thru the coming hard times.

Good Luck
thanks i am just doing what i would hope any good friend would do. Really sux for him but he will get through it.
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Old 09-28-2011, 06:56 PM   #7 (permalink)
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There is a difference between friend and BEST friend. If he is your BEST friend then my advice would be to actually talk about the situation. Remind him why he got married in the first place and ask if there is anyway to fix it.

My girlfriend and I fight about a lot of garbage but in the end its always "Is __________ more important then why we are together?" the answer is always no. So I would assume thinking long and hard about it would help him. Do it in a way he can RELAX, take him to a bar or have him over to watch UFC or a game.
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Old 09-29-2011, 02:38 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Get used to it AF. Chances are good that it won't be his last divorce. no one stays together today because staying together is hard. Divorce is easy. What a strange world we would live in if people actually held their vows. You know.... I swear to stay with this person through better or worse... The vow should say I promise to stay with this person until it is no longer convenient or until something better comes along. You may think I'm over simplifying or being cynical but, I'm telling you I don't have one long term friend, male or female who hasn't been divorced. Most of them multiple times. of people my age, I am the only one I know who has never been divorced. I don't believe in it and it will not happen to me. Which is why I was over 40 before I ever even considered marriage ( ok not entirely true I dodged a couple of bullets). I am so glad I waited. I have no doubt that if I had married any of the crazy ass women I ran around with before, I would have ended up like every guy I know. Paying child support to a **** that hates me. Not the way i want to raise kids.

When you're older and smarter, you get luckier.

It's late and I'm delirious from a tooth ache and stealing Mrsfans pain meds

End rant
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Old 09-29-2011, 02:50 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Intermission View Post
There is a difference between friend and BEST friend. If he is your BEST friend then my advice would be to actually talk about the situation. Remind him why he got married in the first place and ask if there is anyway to fix it.

My girlfriend and I fight about a lot of garbage but in the end its always "Is __________ more important then why we are together?" the answer is always no. So I would assume thinking long and hard about it would help him. Do it in a way he can RELAX, take him to a bar or have him over to watch UFC or a game.
yeah i know what you are saying however i dont want to be too intrusive. from what it sounds like its been coming on for a while according to him and it sounds like they have genuinely grown appart. I havent talked to his wife yet nor will i unless i am with my friend but i guess i still need to scope things out for a while. IDK what is going to happen but i am right now just going to be there for him and help him any way i can.
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Old 09-29-2011, 03:06 AM   #10 (permalink)
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things may have Just got much much worse
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