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Old 10-07-2011, 02:24 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Husband got fired, again. Need some advice.

So...I'm normally not the type of person to make threads like this, but I need some honest, unbiased advice. My best friend is my husband's sister...And I know she's going to always take his side. The person I'm closest to in my family is my older brother, and he's always going to take my side.

My husband has been through three jobs in three years. He has an MHA (Master of Healthcare Administration), so he's been lucky enough to have a degree from a top-level University in one of the few steady job markets in the US. However, he has been fired from his last three jobs because well...He's an asshole.

My husband and I get along fine and he's great with our kids and my niece and nephew. He also gets along really well with the family I still keep in touch with. But for some reason in the workplace, he's a different person. This morning he got fired because over 50 people in the hospital that he works with have complained to human resources that my husband is consistently rude, grumpy, and unapproachable. He got fired from his last job in Texas for throwing a book at an important board member while also calling her a racial epithet, and a c*nt. His job before that, several people wrote up a petition to have him fired for his behavior.

I've had several discussions with my husband about controlling his mood swings and temper, and he's also been to anger management therapy and has several books on relaxation therapy, but none of it seems to work. A girl that worked with him also just called me a minute ago and told me this: "You're married a horrible man and a horrible person. I'm sorry that you were unfortunate enough to have children with him, hopefully you'll do the smart thing and leave him."

Used to, I would take comments like these with a grain of salt, but this has happened three times already, and my husband is 27 years old and isn't the type of person that will change.

Still, I'm not sure what to do. Part of me thinks something might actually be wrong with him, and I've asked him to go get tested for having bipolar personality disorder, but he refuses. With me and my friends and family, he's so laid back and nice. He's fantastic with our kids, and I think he's going to be an incredible father, but this kind of stuff can't keep happening. I've postponed getting my degree and transferred universities because he lost his first job. I had to move all the way across the country and leave my friends and family behind because he lost his second job. And now we're living in a house that we just took a mortgage out on. He has student loans to pay off, and I don't make near enough as a stay at home tax consultant to support him, and two babies. The fact that he's now been fired from three jobs in three years is going to make him extremely difficult to hire, especially considering the fact that he has a horrible track record of getting along with people in the workplace in general.

I know this sounds like an absolute bitch thing to say, but if he can't get his shit together, I'm definitely going to consider leaving him and taking the kids with me. I guess he just isn't mature enough to control his behavior and mood swings in a professional environment, and I will NOT subject my kids to having that kind of instability. I've already talked to my brother and he's offered to let me and the kids come stay with him and his wife while I get a Master's degree. At the same time however, I really don't want to leave my husband, but at this point I don't think I have any other choice.

Sorry for venting, but I know you guys will give me an unbiased answer.
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Old 10-07-2011, 04:08 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Wow, sorry to hear about this.

If he is not willing to get himself evaluated for some type of mental disorder despite the multiple firings and you asking him to then you should question how much he cares about his behavior and how it effects your life together.

You could give him an ultimatum and tell him to get evaluated or you are leaving.

As far as his sister always taking his side, I dont know how she could defend him getting fired from 3 jobs in 3 years for what sounds like the same reason.

I hope everything works out, please keep us posted.
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Old 10-07-2011, 04:26 PM   #3 (permalink)
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That sucks Ari. I'm not very good at advice but I think you'll eventually leave him because of his inability to keep a job judging by past behavior. If you left him now it would mean less time wasted in him in the long run.

Of course, you could always move to Kansas
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Old 10-07-2011, 05:56 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Well, I'm not going to give advice on you leaving him or not, because people leave others every single day for all types of different reasons. It comes down to "am I happy?" and if you are not, then leave, you only live once so live in a situation that makes you happy.

With that said, why will you take your kids with you? You said he's great with the kids and the kids love him, it would be bad for you to take his kids away from him because you personally don't want to be with him anymore. That's plain out messed up and wrong, and quite ridiculous.

edit - As Voice said, we don't know the whole picture, if there are other reasons you'd take your kids away that we are unaware of, then disregard the above. Taking his kids away simply because he's rude at work is wrong, however.
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Old 10-07-2011, 05:58 PM   #5 (permalink)
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I won't give you an advice whether or not to leave your husband and if I were at your place, I wouldn't listen to any concrete advise from people in the Internet whether to leave him or not. We cannot judge your situation, we don't know how much you love your husband, we don't know how much your husband loves you, we only have a couple of written lines as a small glimpse of your current problem which you may regard with completely different eyes in a couple of weeks.

My thought after reading your post was that your husband seems to care about you and your family, you say he is completely different as a family man than he is at work. So you maybe could talk more in depth with him to make him understand that his behavior not only affects his life, but yours seriously as well. He has to understand how hard and sad it is for you to leave your friends, because you have to move to another place and what it makes to you that you had to postpone your degree.

I wish you good luck to be able to solve that problem in a good way.
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Old 10-07-2011, 06:22 PM   #6 (permalink)
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In the construction industry there is a saying that we all “rise to our level of incompetence.” In other words we keep climbing until we find the job that we suck at. I have worked on projects that were snake bit from the start and everyday was a nonstop battle. everyone hated everyone. Sometimes it was all my fault because I was simply in over my head. Sometimes someone else was.

The answer to your husbands problems might be as simple as taking a step back and down the corporate/stress level ladder. Or a new field of work.

I always remember what my boss told me the first time I ran a crew. “Them boys know what they’re doing. If you’ve got to yell and cuss at ‘em all day to get the work done, maybe you don’t.”
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Old 10-08-2011, 12:42 AM   #7 (permalink)
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You should consider having him see a psychiatrist who may see fit to prescribe him some medication. I imagine it would probably be a hard sell, but if he's serious about making things work for the two of you and your family he'll just have to be a grown ass person and give it a shot.

I know there's a lot of negative stigmas about this type of thing, but in a truly significant amount of cases it can make a world of difference.

Chances are a very mild medication would curb a lot of your husband's inability to control his anger and more aggressive impulses. Also, chances are that the medication wouldn't need to be strong enough that it would affect his real personality; it'd just help the "better" side of him show more often.

Just my two cents; and yes, I'm speaking from significant experience.
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Old 10-08-2011, 01:02 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by CrazyDreams View Post
You should consider having him see a psychiatrist who may see fit to prescribe him some medication. I imagine it would probably be a hard sell, but if he's serious about making things work for the two of you and your family he'll just have to be a grown ass person and give it a shot.

I know there's a lot of negative stigmas about this type of thing, but in a truly significant amount of cases it can make a world of difference.

Chances are a very mild medication would curb a lot of your husband's inability to control his anger and more aggressive impulses. Also, chances are that the medication wouldn't need to be strong enough that it would affect his real personality; it'd just help the "better" side of him show more often.

Just my two cents; and yes, I'm speaking from significant experience.
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Old 10-08-2011, 01:18 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Old 10-08-2011, 01:23 AM   #10 (permalink)
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If it only happens at work, personally, I'd be glad that it doesn't happen at home.

It seems really odd that it never happens around you guys, but consistently at work. Maybe he just really hates his line of work...

The other question, which may sound odd, is this: How does he sleep? 8 hours of good, solid sleep each night can do wonders for a lot of grumpy, angry people... if he isn't getting that, get the book "Sleep Thieves".

Until a few months ago, I had a neighbor that made your husband look like a nice, friendly guy. He rarely kept a job for more than a month or two, because of the same sort of thing. Only in his case, it was just as bad at home as at work.
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