[LV 2 H8 U]

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...The next year, he didn't buy her a gift. When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
************************************************** **********************
I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary? It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said. So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'
And that's when the fight started....
************************************************** **********************
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95 Instead; she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And that's when the fight started......
************************************************** *******************
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare; please 'He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow? 'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And that's when the fight started......
************************************************** **********************
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels. She asked, 'What's onTV?' I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started.......
************************************************** **********************
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our up coming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds. I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...
************************************************** **********************My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, 'Do you know him? 'Yes,' she sighed, ' He's my old boyfriend...I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since. 'My God!' I said, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
************************************************** **********************
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT! HAPPY!' So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started...
************************************************** **********************
THE BROKEN LAWN MOWER When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had some thing else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf ' Always something more important to me... Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, 'When
you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.'

[Machida Karate]

Originally Posted by LV 2 H8 U

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...The next year, he didn't buy her a gift. When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
************************************************** **********************
I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary? It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said. So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'
And that's when the fight started....
************************************************** **********************
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95 Instead; she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And that's when the fight started......
************************************************** *******************
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare; please 'He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow? 'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And that's when the fight started......
************************************************** **********************
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels. She asked, 'What's onTV?' I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started.......
************************************************** **********************
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our up coming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds. I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...
************************************************** **********************My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, 'Do you know him? 'Yes,' she sighed, ' He's my old boyfriend...I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since. 'My God!' I said, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started...
************************************************** **********************
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT! HAPPY!' So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started...
************************************************** **********************
THE BROKEN LAWN MOWER When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had some thing else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf ' Always something more important to me... Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, 'When
you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.'

The dwarf was funny, the Scale about 0 to 200 was funny, damn i actually laughed at 100% of them....

All quality jokes hehe + rep

[LV 2 H8 U]

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt."

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too'
And then the fight started.....

************************************************** ************************************

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's darn near perfect.

And then the fight started.....

[swpthleg]

Don't you mean, "and that's when I got taken down for some brutal GnP?"

Hey, it's a win-win!

[LV 2 H8 U]

Originally Posted by swpthleg

Don't you mean, "and that's when I got taken down for some brutal GnP?"

Hey, it's a win-win!

I tell ya, if was to actually say some of that stuff I would be sleeping with both eyes open.

[swpthleg]

LMAO. L&M says that kind of crap all the time. He knows he has to sleep sometime.

So you must know why women have smaller feet, then, right?

[LV 2 H8 U]

Originally Posted by swpthleg

LMAO. L&M says that kind of crap all the time. He knows he has to sleep sometime.

So you must know why women have smaller feet, then, right?

Hmmm...I always thought it was genetics, but I have a feeling thats not the right answer

[LV 2 H8 U]

I love these stupid jokes....

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.
Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy crap. That must be my husband!'
So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and
screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'
And then the fight started.....
----------

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch,
Grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a Torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband Is out fishing in that?'
And then the fight started ...
----------

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started.

[Ivan]

Mayhem asking Shields: What's up, where's my rematch, buddy?

Aaaand the fight started..

[Halfraq9]

This is my favorite....

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And then the fight started......