5 Minutes with: Phil Baroni
Alright so I decided with all my free time I got during the week I would try to take the time to take a trip somewhere I know a MMA fighter will be and do an interview with them. And each week I will post the interview for you guys to read.
This week I went to Columbus and visited the guys at Hammerhouse. I caught up with none other than Phil Baroni. He agreed to a 5 minute interview with me so long as I "kiss his nutsack" when we're finished. I didn't think he was serious so I reluctantly agreed.
Here's our little encounter:
Me: "Hello there Phil, it's a pleasure to meet you and thanks for taking the time to sit down with me today."
Baroni: "Yea, yea, what the f*ck man you think this is something I normally wouldn't do? You got the wrong guy man I give interviews like Jenna gives head kid."
Me: "No, don't get me wrong, it's just something interviewers like to start out with. I'm sure you know this by now."
Me: "Ok, so first things first, are you gay?"
Baroni: "Gay? I don't know man that depends on your definition of 'gay' right? Like, I ain't no f*ggot. But if I like to get head from a guy every now and then, that shouldn't label me as a f*ggot, you know? It's not like I love the guy, I just like his mouth, you know? His mouth on my Baroni Balogna, you know?."
Me: "Yea, I know what you're saying. I'm not here to pass judgement man, I'm just here to ask the questions the fans really want to hear."
Baroni: "Yea, whateva f*ggot."
Me: "OK, so we all know you used to date Heidi Klum back in the day. What do you have to say about the guys she's been with since then, more specifically, her current husband, one hit wonder singer, Seal?"
Baroni: "What do you mean what do I think? Phil Baroni don't need that b*tch. Have you seen Seal bro? Do I even need to f*ckin discuss this shit man? Look at the dude! Look at me! Seal's got like some bionic face or some shit man. He looks like he gots f*ckin Zulu's cellulite dimpled ass cheek skin grafted onto his face! He's a ****in ant man. He ain't shit. Phil Baroni is tha best eva. Heidi knows that man. I'm tha best eva. The best at EVERYTHING. Heidi just couldn't take the bologna. Can't blame her man. She's a f*ckin twig. She can't handle dis f*ckin' New York bologna, you know?"
Me: "Nice. Anyway, who will you be fighting next?"
Baroni: "Next ass I beat's gonna be that b*tch Frank Shamrock. I'ma kick his ugly face like a f*ckin soccer ball, you know? I'll kill him, I'll murder that little f*cker. Just watch, I'm gonna slaughter him in there, cut his throat and shit, you know? And then I'll eat his f*ckin face raw. Hannibal style, you know? I'll f*ckin eat his flesh and shit. Maybe sodomize his corpse when I'm finished just to let the fans know who the man is."
Me: "Yea that would be awesome. That would just seal your monicher of 'Tha Best Eva'. No one will doubt you after that."
Baroni: "What's your next question f*ggot?"
Me: "What is your ultimate goal in MMA?"
Baroni: "First I'ma kill that punk Dan Henderson and get his f*ckin belt. Then I'ma kill him again and get his other f*ckin belt! Then I'ma move up to Heavyweight and murder that little b*tch named Fedor."
Me: "You think you can beat Fedor?"
Baroni: "Yea, I think I match up well with him. F*ck who'm I kiddin? I match up well with anyone. Cuz Phil Baroni's either gonna knock your f*ckin head of or he's gonna submit you, that's all there is to it. Fedor ain't no exception man."
Me: "What do you think of PRIDE being bought out by Frank and Lorenzo? Do you see this as a good thing, or a bad thing, or do you just not give a f*ck?"
Baroni: "Frank and Lorenzo are homos. I'd kick both their asses in the ring. They ain't got shit on Phil Baroni. They think they can take over PRIDE, well they gotta get through Phil f*cking Baroni first man!"
Me: "Did you just challenge the Fertitta's? You do know the deal is sealed, right? They don't have to go through you to get PRIDE...it's already done and over with."
Baroni: "Right, that's what I said. Is that not what I just f*ckin' said kid? Jesus Christ."
Me: "So do you see this as a good thing or a bad thing?"
Me: "Hmm, anyway, let's be honest here. We all know you are a massive steroid-head, so with the Fertitta's new acquisition, aren't you afraid of being tested?"
Baroni: "F*ck them f*ggots. I'll just have you piss for me bro."
Me: "My piss is dirty too, so that's pointless."
Baroni: "Well, back when I first got in the UFC I used to just find a guy in the mall and beat his ass until he pissed in a cup for me. Then I knock his ass out cold and practice my jiu-jitsu on him while he's unconscious right? It's like killin' two birds with one stone, you know? You can neva find someone in the gym willing to let you see what happens when you apply a kimura without having to stop due to a f*ckin tap out you know. You got like a human training partner with no ability to defend himself. It's like heaven for MMA fighters, you know? And I live in it cuz I'm (screaming 2 inches away from my face and spitting) THE BEST EVA!"
Me: "Thanks for that, I'll cherish it. So which UFC fighter are you looking forward to fighting most?"
Baroni: "Anderson Silva. I'ma kick that silly little Ethiopians ass like the lions do. He ain't seen nothin like Phil Baroni before. I'll murder him AND his family, you know? Baroni style."
Me: That's...uhhh...professional. So, our 5 minutes are about up. How about I just give you a good 45 seconds to say something to all your fans out there?"
Baroni: "Don't forget b*tch you still need to kiss my nutsack."
Me: "Oh, you were serious about that? Shit...uh yea ok whatever I'll do it just as long as you let me use my dog's lips."
Baroni: "Aight. Listen up all you f*ggots, Phil Baroni is out for tha belt and he ain't stoppin for no one! Not no f*ckin Frank Shamrock, not no f*ckin Dan Henderson! F*ckin neanderthals is what they are. They both look like a couple f*ckin cavemen or some shit. You ever notice that? Frank Shamrock looks like a f*ckin prehistoric caveman, and that's what I'm gonna do to him! Cave his head in.........MAN! F*ck 'em both! Phil Baroni is tha best eva! I told you all again and again! Phil Baroni is tha best EVA! EVA! F*ck all the rest! F*ck the UFC f*ggots! I'll murder them all! The New York Badass will never lose another fight, EVA! I'M THE BEST EVA! EVVVAAAA!!!"
At this point he was out of his chair and in the process of ripping his shirt off, spitting everywhere, with a beet-red face and a couple earthworm sized veins popping out of his forehead, screaming at the top of his lungs, when all of the sudden he collapsed. He either made himself pass out, or had a brain aneurism. He stayed unconscious for a good 30 minutes, in which I stayed busy practicing my jiu jitsu on his limp lifeless body. Unfortunately Phil needs brain surgery, and must recover from over 60 broken or fractured bones before he can fight again. I apologize for causing this inconvenience.
I hope you enjoyed my interview with Phil Baroni.
If you liked it, let me know, if you thought it was stupid, let me know. If enough people like it I'll keep doing the interviews. If not, I guess the thread will get buried, no biggie.