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5 Minutes with: Diego Sanchez
Due to the most minimal amount of popular demand possible, I'm doing another interview. This week is with Diego Sanchez. I'm not about to try and think of a backstory as to how I "caught up to him"...because I live in Ohio and he lives in New Mexico. So let's just say I can travel at the speed of light for a minute.
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Me: "What's up Diego? Thanks for taking the time away from your busy day in the tomato field to talk with me."
Diego: {Laughs} "I'm not that Mexican man."
Me: "Yea, you're more like a construction worker type wetback, that's like 2 levels above the tomato picking wetback and 1 level above a housekeeper wetback or a gardener wetback, right?"
Diego: "I don't know man that sounds kind of racist to me."
Me: "Whatever *****. So are you packin'?"
Diego: "Packin' what? A gun? What the hell is wrong with you man?"
Me: "Nah man. You got any herb? Any bud?"
Diego: "Oohh...you smoke?" {smiles and reaches into his pocket and pulls out his sack}
Me: "Hellz yea nigga! Pack that shit up!"
Diego: "Alright man but don't tell Dana you got this shit from me..." {starts rolling a joint}
Me: "Why is that? You afraid of another small fine?"
Diego: {Lights up the joint} "No, it's just that Dana is a scavenger. If he knows I got pot he'll be hitting me up for some everytime we see each other. {Takes a puff of the joint} That's why he hangs out with Chuck all the time, Chuck's got some good coke connections and Dana's always bumming coke off Chuck." {Hits the joint again}
Me: "Whoa no way! Wow, that's some good stuff! My readers are gonna love this!"
Diego: "No man, you can't write any of that down, you didn't tell me I was on record man." {Passes me the joint}
Me: {Hits the joint} "Sure. Sure, man." {exhaaaale}
Diego: "Alright then, so how's that weed bro?"
Me: "Good shit man. Let's start this interview." {Passes Diego the joint}
Diego: "Alright man I'm ready...bring it on!" {Laughs and hits the joint at the same time and has a coughing fit}
Me: "Eaasy there buddy...so let's talk about you're atrocious fight with Josh Koscheck this last weekend. What happened to the old Diego we saw demolish Nick Diaz and put on the fight of the year against Karo Parisyan?"
Diego: {Passes me the joint} "Honestly man, I don't know. Like, I was going in there with the right mindset, that God would guide me through. I didn't really train for this fight, I mean I've been doing a little boxing with Oscar and the guys. But aside from that, man, I just put my trust in Jesus...I thought it was my destiny to win this fight. I just wanna get high man I don't wanna worry about training anymore. I already know I am the best 170 pound fighter in the world so why bother training you know?"
Me: {Hits the joint} "Wow dude...you are f*cked in the head. But you got some killer weed." {coughs}
Diego: {Laughs} "You know it bro! HAHA! Marco romance dusk till dawn on the rainforest floor! DOKONJONOSUKE MIIIIISHIMA!" {Laughs hysterically}
Me: {Looking back and forth, with my feet up in the chair in the fetal position, getting chills, sweating, halucinating} "What the f*ck man! What the f*ck!? What is in this shit man! Why are you taking your pants off!?!? AAAAGGHHH!! AAAHHH!!"
Diego: {Taking his clothes off, still laughing hysterically, coming towards me} "What's in it?! What's in it!! PCP BROTHER!! PCP!! We should eat each others organs!! C'mooooooon!!!!"
Me: {Puts one arm out in front of Diego so he couldn't possibly come any closer --- Kos-style} "You're f*ckin wierd man!"
Diego: {foaming at the mouth} "GRRRAGGH!! AARRGGH!! ERRRAAGGHH!!!"
Me: "Eeew!"
I kept Diego at bay along with all his little purple half horse mini me's by sticking my arm out in front of me the way Kos did in their last fight. He was unable to penetrate a seemingly invisible forcefield that I created by sticking my arm out...although it's hard to say because it didn't really look like he was trying too hard to get to me.
I then proceeded to kick him square in the nuts run my ass out the door. On the way out of the building I ran into a creature that had Josh Koscheck's head but on a gorilla's body.........
He stopped me and asked what I was running from. I then explained to him what happened and told him he influenced me to know how to fight that beast known as Diego off. I told him about how I stuck my arm out like he did.
As soon as I tell him this he drops a deuce right in front of me. Like literally he's sitting there taking a dump with his gorilla body. He looked like he was in shock. He was looking at me like I was a ghost.
I asked him why he has a gorilla body and he tells me it's because I am one of the few chosen ones who can see his true self. He says that I am part of a secret clan with Koscheck as the leader that have super ability to ward off beasts such as Diego "The Nightmare" Sanchez off with just a simple hand motion.
He said that I, too, would one day grow a gorilla body and be able to take any creature down at will just like him. But I first have to prove myself, and Diego was the first test.
After that the next thing I remember is still sitting in the chair with Diego in front of me laughing his ass off. I whig out for a moment and regain my senses, and ask him what the hell just happened.
He explained to me that he laced the weed with a chemical known as DMT that is used by South American and Meso-American shaman as a way to connect with the gods. DMT is the most powerful physcoactive drug in the world. It is the chemical your brain produces when you dream, and taking one hit will give you a 5 minute trip that is 10x more intense than a standard LSD trip.
I was too f*cked up to continue the interview.
Moral of the story, don't smoke pot with Diego Sanchez.
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I'd rather DIE than go to Heaven!
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5 Minutes with: Diego Sanchez
good stuff
****ing retard
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