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post #1 of 14 (permalink) Old 10-12-2010, 12:08 PM Thread Starter
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UFC Champ Brock Lesnar ill with Gorilla HIV-strain; Scientists Mystified

UFC Champ Brock Lesnar ill with Gorilla HIV-strain; Scientists Mystified

Tue Oct 12, 12:29 PM
By Timothy Bradshaw, The Associated Press

ALEXANDRIA, Minnesota – In what is now being called “the most bizarre case in medical history”, Brock Lesnar, the Ultimate Fighting Championship’s current number one heavyweight, has tested positive for a gorilla strain of the deadly HIV virus. The strain was discovered through the UFC’s mandatory pre-fight blood test policy, in which the lab analyst, Dr. Aneet Sharma, immediately requested of Lesnar another sample for confirmation and sent his findings to France’s University of Montpelier, which is internationally acclaimed in the field of HIV strains research and species-jumping strains. Dr Martine Peeters of the University, who oversaw the discovery of the original gorilla strain, says “Brock’s strain of the gorilla virus has not been in any way modified to encode human genetics; he quite literally has the same HIV strain found in wild gorillas living in Cameroon”.

The outbreak of this story has sent shockwaves throughout medical science, as press conferences have been hastily scheduled to address the issue and understand its implications and potential largescale risks to the public. Lesnar, who was scheduled to appear in a title bout later in the month, has now been hospitalized and may likely see his mixed martial arts career come to an abrupt end. The news of the fight’s cancellation and his career’s uncertainty came as more of a shock to Lesnar than the actual gorilla HIV diagnosis did, as Brock told prescreened reporters in his hospital bed, “yeah, it’s bullcrap that they cancelled a fight because of some stupid flu. It’s nothing that a Coor’s Light can’t wash out of my system. Besides, it’s not like Cain doesn’t have some dirty Taco Bell, Mexican chihuahua virus he’s hiding up his illegal ass”.

What has daunted biologists the most is how there are no molecular differences between the strain found in Brock’s plasma and the strain found in wild Cameroon gorillas. The UFC’s head doctor, Dr Richard Clayton, met with Dr Peeters in Paris, discussed the sample analyses, and published on his medical blog the following excerpt: “Based on all available evidence, and with the help of modern technology and the wisdom provided by historical medical journals, it is with great displeasure that I say, Brock Lesnar is genetically, one hundred percent, a gorilla”.

Former World Wrestling Entertainment diva superstar, Sable, the wife of Brock Lesnar, expressed neither great shock nor doubt over the findings. “I always figured he was a gorilla; how else could a human possibly grow three-hundred pounds of muscle? Plus, it certainly explains why he picked at my hair and ate what he could grab, or why he always asked me to pack him thirty bananas for his lunch”. When probed for more information in the name of scientific inquiry, Sable admitted “our son, Turk, obviously isn’t from Brock, because different species cannot impregnate one another. Turk is from Matt Hardy … or maybe it was Kane? Go figure”.

Fellow UFC heavyweight contender, Shane Carwin, offered his opinion on the matter via his Twitter account, tweeting “my performance against Brock wasn’t bad after all, considering I was locked in a cage fighting a wild gorilla”.

However, Shane Carwin is himself coming off allegations that say for years he received steroids intended for horses, and he has missed two weeks of work as an engineer to recover from symptoms of spontaneous neighing and growth of what appears to be a horse tail. The unexpected nature of these findings, and their explosively quick progression, has left at least one man perturbed. The UFC’s president, Dana White, has expressed sorrow over Brock’s situation, but his frustrations over the timing of this bombshell and its implications to heavyweight contenders who are human easily showed as he bitterly told media personnel:

“It isn’t fair when your champion is a gorilla, and the number two guy is a half-man, half-horse like Motaro from Mortal Kombat. Is this a mixed martial arts organization or a (expletive) zoo? I thought animal fighting was illegal. It isn’t Cain’s fault that he's a human and his competitors are animals. Does this look like the (expletive) Roman gladiators?”

Lesnar, who resides in Alexandria, Minnesota, remains in the Methodist Hospital in Houston, Texas. The reason why Lesnar was moved to the Houston hospital is because, according to his agent Ken Pavia, “Texas is the only state where it is illegal to hunt gorillas. Brock may be legally hunted in any other state until such time that the DNA proves otherwise”.

The unprecedented nature of these findings will make for a very interesting sequence of events, during a month which was dubbed “Brocktober” in anticipation for Lesnar’s now-defunct title bout against Cain Velasquez. What is most important is Lesnar’s health and the stability of his condition, although only time will tell how he will handle the gorilla strain, especially so soon after recovering from a serious digestive disorder. If one thing is for certain, it is that whatever happens will surely be the first of its kind, and will set the standard procedure for similar cases which arise in the future.


I can't believe this is happening guys. I know I feel really sorry for Brock and all, but I'm just deep down broken hearted not to see this fight. I'm interested in what Cain thinks of all of this? I wonder if they can find somebody to replace Brock and still have a decent main event.

***If you haven't figured this out its a joke
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post #2 of 14 (permalink) Old 10-12-2010, 12:13 PM
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This has got to be a Donkey Kong related joke no?

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post #3 of 14 (permalink) Old 10-12-2010, 12:15 PM
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good way to get banned

Last edited by E Lit Er Ate; 10-12-2010 at 12:26 PM.
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post #4 of 14 (permalink) Old 10-12-2010, 12:16 PM
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Had me going for a minute there.
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post #5 of 14 (permalink) Old 10-12-2010, 12:20 PM
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Somebody has too much time on their hands. I would've seriously given up after about two paragraphs.
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post #6 of 14 (permalink) Old 10-12-2010, 12:21 PM
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lol, funny stuff, well done.

For anyone getting their panties tied in a knot over this, it's a joke, relax.

"You have a big word for a guy who don't have a gi right now." - Renato Laranja
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post #7 of 14 (permalink) Old 10-12-2010, 12:32 PM
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hahaha good stuff my man good stuff

But a true champion, face to face with his darkest hour, will do whatever it takes to rise above. A man fights, and fights, and then fights some more. Because surrender is death, and death is for pussies- kenny powers
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post #8 of 14 (permalink) Old 10-12-2010, 12:56 PM
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Hilarious. If only there was such magic in the world that could turn you into whateversteroids you were taking was originally intened for. I'd find me some cheetah steroids!

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post #9 of 14 (permalink) Old 10-12-2010, 01:07 PM
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Originally Posted by Squirrelfighter View Post
Hilarious. If only there was such magic in the world that could turn you into whateversteroids you were taking was originally intened for. I'd find me some cheetah steroids!
I'd bet a fusion of Brock and Overeem steroids.

"You have a big word for a guy who don't have a gi right now." - Renato Laranja
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post #10 of 14 (permalink) Old 10-12-2010, 02:12 PM
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hahaha well done, sir. Me and my roomie were blazed last night talking about how we think brock gets paid in steaks instead of cash
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