Chapter 5 is mostly uneventful, just talks about his first fight in Japan, and so on. He does manage to say "I would have done anything for a country breakfast in Japan" which did nauseate me momentarily. The end of the chapter starts picking up momentum when at Mark's wedding, the boys snub their dad, not allowing him in the family photos. Later, after getting completely plastered they beat the shit out of their new in-laws at the wedding reception, and the entire event turns into what Matt calls "A Battle Royal."
This chapter should have been titled "I am such a badass." Matt misses no opportunity to pat himself on the back for his fights. He talks about steamrolling everybody. Later Matt shows his utter lack of character when he divulges that he guilt-tripped a fellow mitetich guy into letting him win a grappling match at the Abu Dhabis so he could get the bonus money for fastest submission. The guy fakes like Matt submitted him, earning Matt $1,500 for fastest submission. The way Hughes rationalized it was "The winner faced Tito Ortiz, and we both knew I was the only one that would have a chance against him." He admits Tito beat him in the grappling match, but remembers being surprised at how much stronger he was than Tito. He basically says Tito got lucky in beating him. More later on.
Matt talks about how he and Jens Pulver used to belittle new members at the Miletich gym. He talks about how they both made fun of and ignored a fat kid who was seemingly in awe of them. That fat kid was Tim Sylvia. He talks about how the UFC temporarily released him "by mistake." He finished the chapter by divulging that he likes to eat at Hooters, and he knocked up the gym skank, who he describes as having "nice boobs, even though they were fake" and "her hips were a little too wide for his taste." Apparently not to wide to impregnate.
Matt starts this chapter by sexually assaulting the aforementioned 8th grader, who's now 21, in public at a grocery store. Or "Smacking her on the ass" as he called it. Matt notices that her body is "tighter" now that she's grown up, and not the same 13 year old he'd made out with in college. For some reason Matt immediately tells her that he knocked his girlfriend up, and seems utterly outraged that she has decided she's
keeping the baby.
After making it back to her parents house he again begins fondling her on the couch by reaching through a hole in her jeans. He goes on to describe how he noticed she didn't shave her legs that day. (At this point I started to wonder if I mistakenly was reading Penthouse Forum or something.)
The story line changes out of nowhere and Matt begins describing how an opponent who he was mauling once whispered to him to "take the arm," or in other words, I've had enough, please just arm-bar me, and leave me a little dignity. Matt decided he wanted to "take out some more aggression", and continued to beat the shit out of him for another round.
Also, at the end of the chapter the victim of his sexual assault, for some reason I can't begin to fathom, breaks up with him.
This chapter tells a story about how Tim Sylvia approached Matt like a man, and asked Matt why he had a problem with him when no one else at Miletich does. Matt then goes on to describe the look on Tim's face when Tim who was hoping to bury the hatchet, gets told that he's lazy, not a team player, and Matt didn't like him. Matt takes joy in the fact that he knew exactly how he was treating Tim, and Tim was hoping he'd apologize or something.
Tim, obviously crushed says that Matt has always been one of his heroes, and he'd do anything to be his friend. Matt then tells him he's got enough friends, and that Tim can't buy acceptance by following his team mates around to UFCs when he's not invited.
This chapter is interrupted by a bunch of pictures of Matt being repulsive at different ages. There's a repulsive Matt baby picture, a repulsive Matt toddler picture, a repulsive Matt with a mullet high school picture, a repulsive Matt adult with family picture. The one that tops it all off is a picture of him writing this book on a, I shit you not, typewriter. It looks to be 60 or so years old. But hey, he is from the country I guess.
He then talks about Tito getting knocked out on the street, and what a dick Tito always was to him.
He ends the chapter in typical fashion talking about his sexual assault victim waiting for him to get home from Europe one night, sitting in a car outside his house. He takes that opportunity to let us all know he wouldn't see her that night because he was "too busy spending the night in someone else's bed."
Come to find out, the victim sitting in the car would later become his wife. I bet she loved the fact that he included that little tid bit in his book.
Matt is up to more shenanigans as he starts dropping by his ex-victim's house, who wants nothing to do with him, when she's not there, and pretty much kidnapping her three year old son so he can spend time with him. She finds out about it and puts a stop to it, the way her parents should have put a stop to college age Matt and Mark making out with her when she was 13.
From here we go to a weird story about how Matt refused to walk all of the way to the bathroom in a bar at a casino in Las Vegas, and would just publicly urinate near the bar while pretending to be getting another drink because it was "dark enough in there to get away with it." I'm at a loss for why that was included in the book. At that same bar his brother Mark's wife refused to get on the bar and dance with some other skanks despite the fact that Mark had ordered her to. She left the bar upset.
He then talks about his ex-victim deciding to get breast implants in the plastic surgery mecca of the U.S., Cedar Rapids. She wanted to know if Matt would stay with her for a day after her surgery because she would be highly medicated. Matt agreed and took full advantage of a still very groggy patient and had sex with her THE DAY AFTER HER SURGERY, which unfortunately "tore some stitches." He also says that this was the first time he saw her completely naked because she always wore her shirt when they had sex before. I didn't know what to make of that either.
He finishes up by talking about how he destroyed Sherk for 5 rounds, and then says he encouraged Sylvia after he tested positive for steroids.