Retro Watch: UFC 10: The Tournament.
We get an ultra cheap intro, with Beck saying shit like "STYLE AND GUILE!!!!" Shit was so corny that even Mike Goldberg would be all "Nigga, you corny as hell!"
We are live at the State Fair Arena in Birmingham, Alabama. STATE FAIR ARENA!!!! Alabama is such a shit hole. Seriously, the worst state I've been to and I've been to Arkansas. Bruce Beck is rocking a black coat, white shirt and some nice hair. I bet he used Pert Plus.
Jeff Blatnick is rocking a suit that is way too small. Blatnick looks like he knows this, and is all "Yes, I have bad teeth, yes I'm wearing a small suit. Yes, I would kick your ass, and yes I would screw your wife." Don Frye is with Jeff, and his 'stache is quite holy. Frye likes to fight just one opponent, but doesn't mind the tournament. He calls Mark Hall a "Fantastic fighter." This was before Frye went all surly and awesome. He's still awesome here, but the Frye of 2002 would be all "Who the hell is Mark Hall? Some kid's father?"
We look at the judges. Steve Neklia is sleazy looking, but also looks like he's special in a CB Dolloway way. Michael DePasquale Jr. (What a name!) looks like some magician you'd see here in Branson. Marc Denny looks like he has killed quite a few cats, and possibly humans.
I bet Leon Tabbs is thinking "What the hell am I doing here?"
Art Davie's first MMA fight was a fight in a Bangkok night club. This is coming from Bruce Beck, so it must be true!
Mark Hall looks like Bruce Campbell. No, really, he does. It's quite scary. He should've brought a chainsaw with him. Blatnick says that Hall's a "tremendous athlete," which was followed by Hall circling the Octagon in a way that reminded me of an obese man looking for a cheeseburger. Holy shit, Hall even sounds like Bruce Campbell!!!!! Hall is doing this for his "dojym" named "Tiger Master Wang." I am not making this up.
Don Frye enters with a sweet entourage of old dudes and soccer moms. Frye is not here to say hi to anyone. He also had a bad attitude. LOCK UP THE WOMEN AND CHILDREN!!!!
What the hell, what is Bruce Buffer doing here?
Big John, baby!
Hall tries some fruity kick and Frye slams his ass down. Nasty body shots from the Predator. Hall's guard consists of him holding on and eating shots. Oooh, nasty headbutt from Frye, and Blatnick says that the headbutts "Won't do much damage." What the hell is Blatnick smoking? Did he get that shit from Bruce Beck? Even Beck tells him that they add up. Frye keeps beating the hell out of Hall, but he does so in a manner that is like watching paint dry. Hall is useless. Big John is even getting tired of this and finally stops this. Poor Bruce Campbell, was he that broke? Tiger Master Wang probably did a facepalm after watching this.
Scotty Fiedler!!!!! Fiedler is from Missouri, so says Beck. Brian Johnston was an okay fighter.
Fiedler looks like someone who would work at a gas station. Yep, he's from Missouri, alright. He even sounds like someone who'd work at a gas station.
Brian Johnston enters Gracie style. Johnston came to fight, not talk. Johnston seems like one of those guys who would kick your ass if you didn't use a coaster.
Johnston executes a cool throw, which sends the fat, gas station worker flying. Brian goes for a leg-lock and Fiedler gets his back (lol). Blatnick says something about crab riding, and Beck's all "I totally forgot about crab riding, Jeff!" Fiedler even has his hooks in. MISSOURI REPRESENT!!!! Blatnick thinks that Fiedler was a leg rider in wrestling. Johnston finally gets out, and has Fiedler's back, and lands some pitter patter shots until Big John stops the fight. What the hell did I just watch?
Ah shit, Moti Horenstein is going to die against Mark Coleman. Coleman has a gut on him. He's going to bring the UFC title to Ohio.
Moti says "survival" a lot.
Coleman gets mount right away and beats the shit out of Moti. What the hell, Coleman got mount? Moti is eating shots like beef jerkey. Now, Mark's in half guard and tee's off. Big John stops the fight. What a slaughter.
John Campetella vs Goodridge up next. "There's some muscles!!!! There's some muscles in this one!!!" says Beck. "This has got to be the combined biggest bicep fight in the world" says Blatnick. Just a bit gay, fellas.
Campetella is Italian for "I am dead." Dude talks like a New Yawker.
Goodridge is rocking a black gi. Oh shit, Campetella is going to die! Gary's voice does not match his looks. Gary goes all pro-wrestling here.
We get to see some sleazy looking chicks hold up the cards. Hot, if you ask me. Meanwhile, Beck and Blatnick are staring at Campetella's arms.
Campetella executes a fireman's carry, which shocked the shit out of me. Campetella gets some shots on Big Gary, but Gary pulls guard (lol) and holds him there (lol). He uses the fence to sweep Campetella, and Big John stops it. Kind of a bad stoppage, but whatever.
Tank is with Beck and Blatnick, and he talks about Puerto Rico. Tank had to lay the law down, he doesn't like sassy mouthed fools. Tank wants to fight in the cage again, and thinks Frye looks like Tom Selleck. Tank talks about Don Wilson, calling him "The Dragon Fly." Blatnick calls Tank a "Walking contradiction," and gets sort of annoyed by Tank's drunken babble. "I don't wear a kimona, and I'm not from Brazil" says Tank. Blatnick ends things there.
Beck calls Don Frye the "Frye Man." he also called Tank "The Tankster." Frye enters like a badass. He is going to destroy this guy. I bet Frye was thinking "Don't screw these lines up."
Brian Johnston enters like Royce Gracie again. Beck says that Johnston is trained by James Thompson. Yeah, I laughed at that. Severn is with Frye. Oh shit, 'stache powah!
"Small fry, big potatoe" is what some dude's sign says. He really did spell it "Potatoe." Ah, MMA fans, gotta love them. They're really special.
Damn, the ring card girl got back.
Now Tank calls Frye the "Frye man."
They clinch to start. Frye gets him down and gets his back. Nasty elbows, and Tank thinks Frye is riding the clock. Well, Tank is drunk....and fat. Frye is in sidemount, and Johnston taps. What the hell was that?!? "Johnston looked good for a while" says Beck. No, he never looked good here.
Tank utters the famous "I had a dream I got raped by Freddie Mercury" line, and Beck laughs.
Coleman vs Goodridge is next. Coleman's pre-fight interviews suck here.
Goodridge calls himself a "gentle giant" and Blatnick mentions some guy named "Huran." More pro-wrestling from Gary.
Coleman gets Goodridge down immediately. Goodridge gets back up, and Coleman has his back. It looks like Coleman is raping Goodridge. I am not kidding. Finally, Gary gets out and stalks Coleman. Coleman gets him down and controls him, and then beats the shit out of him, gets his back and Gary taps. Well, okay then.
Wait, Big John says that Campetella tapped. Nobody saw it, but he tapped. I'll take Big John's word for it. Big John tries his hardest to not look at Bruce Beck.
We get a cheap Dan Severn package. Dan is with us, and Blatnick thinks Dan looks "Marvelous." Severn starts laughing. Why don't these 2 get a room? Also, what is with Blatnick here? Severn thinks his second fight with Shamrock was the most strategic match the UFC has ever seen.
Blatnick and Severn discuss this atrocity for way too long. "I charged like a bull in a china glass" says Severn. It was psychological warfare according to Dan Severn. Once again, hahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!
Coleman enters. he made it, and he will use his wreszzzzzzzzzzz....
Frye enters. Money in the bank!
Frye tries to wrestle with Coleman. Yeah, that's stupid. Coleman gets his back, and now Frye gets guard and Coleman beats the hell out of him. Coleman gets sidemount and goes for the dreaded COLEMAN HEADLOCK!!!! Frye gets out. Wow, Frye could've died there. Frye tries to take Coleman down. What the hell is he doing? Coleman gets his back again. Coleman is beating the shit out of Frye and Big John finally ends this.
Blatnick is with Coleman. They're all tough, but Coleman thinks he can get better. Wrestlers don't get credit.
We end things here.
Fun show. It's cool to see Coleman and Frye back when they were killers.