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post #51 of 283 (permalink) Old 01-10-2008, 05:20 AM
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This isn't actually that bad but still:

Pierre the Frenchman is walking through a lovely Parisian park when walking by some bushes he hears some rustling, he goes over to look as sees a man having sex with a woman, but then he sees the womans body isn't moving at all, just lying still and lifeless, and he rushes off to find a policeman.
'There's a man in the bushes having sex with a dead woman! he says' to the Policeman. So they both rush over to look. But as soon as the policeman peeks through the bushes he is relieved, 'She's not dead,'he says, 'she's English'

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post #52 of 283 (permalink) Old 01-10-2008, 06:32 AM Thread Starter
Rangers rule
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Fairy Tale:
Fairy Tale:

One day, long, long ago, there was this woman who surprisingly,
did not whine, nag or bitch........

But this was a long time ago.....

and it was just ONE day.

The End

Thanks to Plazz for the awesome sig

Show him respect
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post #53 of 283 (permalink) Old 01-10-2008, 09:48 AM
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Alright I got some Jesus jokes.

-What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang the picture!

-Why can't Jesus eat M & M's?
Because they keep on falling through his hands!
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post #54 of 283 (permalink) Old 01-10-2008, 11:42 AM
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Three hobos were walking down the railroad tracks, when the first one spoke up. "See that spot over there?" said the first. "That's my lucky spot. I found ten dollars over there, and used the money to buy some ripple."

"That's nothing!" said the second hobo. "I found twenty dollars right over there", he said, pointing to another spot near the tracks, "and I bought myself a case of beer and got drunker than hell!"

After a few minutes of walking, the third hobo spoke up. "I got you both beat. Right here, I found a woman tied up on the tracks, so I untied her and we had sex all day long!"

"Wow, that's incredible!" said the other two hobos. "Was she a blonde, brunette, or redhead?"

"I don't know", said the third hobo. "I never found her head."
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post #55 of 283 (permalink) Old 01-10-2008, 12:52 PM
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Whats worse:
- 10 dead babies in one trash can
- 1 dead baby in 10 trash cans

FFL 3rd +90
Mauricio "Shogun" Rua
Demian Maia
Martin Kampmann
Nate Diaz
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post #56 of 283 (permalink) Old 01-11-2008, 09:08 AM
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The Sensitive Man

A woman meets a man in a bar.

They talk; they connect; they end
Up leaving together.

They get back to his place,

And as he shows her around his
She notices that one wall of his
Bedroom is

Completely filled with soft, sweet,
Cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the

With hundreds and hundreds of cute,

Cuddly teddy bears carefully placed
In rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken
Quite some time to lovingly arrange them

And she was immediately touched

By the amount of thought he had
Put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along
The bottom shelf,

Medium-sized bears covering the
Length of the middle shelf,

And huge, enormous bears running
All the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an
Obviously masculine guy

To have such a large collection of
Teddy Bears,

She is quite impressed by his
Sensitive side.

But doesn't mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and
Continue talking and,

After awhile, she finds herself

'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy
Could be the one!

Maybe he could be the future
Father of my children?'
She turns to him and kisses him
Lightly on the lips

He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion
And he romantically lifts her in
His arms and carries her into his bedroom

Where they rip off each other's
Clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she
Responds with more passion,
More creativity, more heat than she
Has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night
Of raw passion with this sensitive guy,
They are lying there together in
The afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently
Strokes his chest and asks coyly,
'Well, how was it?'
The guy gently smiles at her,

Strokes her cheek,
Looks deeply into her eyes,
And says:

'Help yourself to any prize
From the middle shelf'

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post #57 of 283 (permalink) Old 01-11-2008, 03:41 PM
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You all probably know these jokes already but just in case


What do you say to a woman with two black eyes

Nothing you've already told her twice


Why do woman have small feet

So she can stand closer to the sink


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post #58 of 283 (permalink) Old 01-12-2008, 02:15 AM
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A kid comes home from school and his mother asks him, "How was school son?"

He replies, "It wasn't good at all Mom, I had sex with my teacher."

She blows up and tells him to go imediately to his room.

His father comes home and walks into his room to find he is looking at some porno mags and says to his son, "You had sex with your teacher son?"

Kid replies, "Yeah it wasn't good."

The father says, "Well your only 14 years old and you have done a good job. We'll go tomorrow and get that new bike you have always wanted."

They go the next day and get the bike.

Then the father asks him, "Do you want to ride it home or just put it in the back of the truck?"

The kid replies, "I better just put it in the back of the truck."

They get into the truck and the father asks his son, "So why didn't you wanna ride it home?"

The son tells him, "Because Mr. Green got me in the butt pretty hard yesterday."
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post #59 of 283 (permalink) Old 01-12-2008, 02:16 AM
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A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.

Man: "What are you doing here today?"

Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it."

Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25."

The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways.

A couple months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.

Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?"

Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] "Unh unh."
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post #60 of 283 (permalink) Old 01-12-2008, 02:20 AM
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101 things to not say during sex (kind of long)

But everybody looks funny naked!

You woke me up for that?

Did I mention the video camera?

Do you smell something burning?

(In a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...

Try breathing through your nose.

A little rug burn never hurt anyone!

Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?

Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?

But whipped cream makes me break out.

Person 1: This is your first time... right?

Person 2: Yeah... today.

Hurry up! This room rents by the hour!

Can you please pass me the remote control?

Do you accept Visa?


On second thought, let's turn off the lights.

And to think -- I was really trying to pick up your friend!

So much for mouth-to-mouth.

(Using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?

Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...

Holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!

Do you get any premium movie channels?

Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!

(Preparing to incorporate peanut
butter) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!

Got any penicillin?

But I just brushed my teeth...

Smile, you're on Candid Camera!

I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!

I want a baby!

So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!

(In a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?

Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...

Did you know the ceiling needs painting?

I think you have it on backwards.

When is this supposed to feel good?

Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!

You're good enough to do this for a living!

Is that blood on the headboard?

Did I remember to take my pill?

Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?

I wish we got the Playboy channel...

That leak better be from the waterbed!

I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!

But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..

Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?

If you quit smoking you might have more endurance.

No, really... I do this part better myself!

It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!

This would be more fun with a few more people.

You're almost as good as my ex!

Do you know the definition of statutory ****?

Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?

You look younger than you feel.

Perhaps you're just out of practice.

You sweat more than a galloping stallion!

They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.

Now I know why he/she dumped you...

Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?

You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.

What tampon?

Have you ever considered liposuction?

And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!

What are you planning to make for breakfast?

I have a confession...

I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!

Are those real or am I just behind the times?

Were you by any chance repressed as a child?

Is that a hanging sculpture?

You'll still vote for me, won't you?

Did I mention my transsexual operation?

I really hate women who actually think sex means something!

Did you come yet, dear?

I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about...

A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!

Does this count as a date?

Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!

Hic! I need another beer for this please.

I think biting is romantic -- don't you?

You can cook, too right?

When would you like to meet my parents?

Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like... Woman: Yourself?

Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?

Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.

Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.

(In a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?

I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?

Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.

Sorry but I don't do toes!

You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!

Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!

Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...

I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer".

So that's why they call you Mr. Flash!

My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!

Is this a sin too?

I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!

Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?

Long kisses clog my sinuses...

Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...

How long do you plan to be "almost there"?

You mean you're NOT my blind date?
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